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12/28/2006

The Godfather of Soul

UPDATE: Pray the Feds have the goods on Barry Bonds. Keep
hope alive! Keep hope alive!

But, Murray Chass of The New York Times had this take on a
federal court ruling on Wednesday that allows the Feds to use
steroid-test samples seized in 2004 for whatever purposes they
see fit related to the BALCO investigation. Aside from Barry
Bonds’s name, and those already revealed such as Gary
Sheffield’s, many others may now emerge.

“One thought some people had upon hearing the outcome of the
government’s appeal was that it could have an adverse effect on
Barry Bonds’s status, but that will probably not be so.

“The Bonds speculation stems from the possibility that he tested
positive for steroids use in 2003, the year baseball conducted
survey testing of all players to determine if testing for
disciplinary purposes would ensue in 2004.

“However, even if Bonds tested positive, he would not have
known it because the testing was supposed to have been done
anonymously. Furthermore, he reportedly told the grand jury
investing BALCO for steroids distribution that he didn’t
knowingly use steroids. Bonds thought one of the substances
was flaxseed oil, he reportedly testified.

“If Bonds tested positive in 2003, the result might make him look
worse than he already does, but it wouldn’t help the government
prove that he perjured himself with his answers under oath to the
grand jury.”

The Major League Players Association could take this case to the
United States Supreme Court, if the Supremes will hear it.

---

College Basketball Quiz: With Bob Knight preparing to surpass
Dean Smith as the winningest college basketball coach
(minimum 10 seasons in Division I), name the top ten in
victories. Aside from the first two I’ll give you #4, Jim Phelan.
Answer below.

James Brown, RIP

How could you not love this guy? I’m just thinking of his
performance in “Please, Please, Please” and smiling; perhaps the
single greatest routine in rock / R&B history. And as the
Reverend Jesse Jackson said, “He was dramatic to the end
dying on Christmas Day.”

The Reverend Al Sharpton traveled with Brown in the 1970s and
Sharpton’s hairstyle is literally an imitation of Brown’s, the latter
having taken Al to his hairdresser one time and forever after
Sharpton wore it as a tribute.

“James Brown changed music,” said Sharpton. “What James
Brown was to music in terms of soul and hip-hop, rap, all of that,
is what Bach was to classical music. This is a guy who literally
changed the music industry. He put everybody on a different
beat, a different style of music. He pioneered it.”

Chuck D of Public Enemy once said “To this day, there has been
no one near as funky. No one’s coming even close.”

Brown was born into poverty in Barnwell, S.C., in 1933, and
abandoned by his mother to the care of relatives, including an
aunt who ran a brothel, in Augusta, Ga. He served three years in
reform school for breaking into cars when he was in the 8th
grade, but it was there he met Bobby Byrd, whose family took
him in as Brown joined Byrd in his group the Gospel
Starlighters. Eventually they changed the name to the Famous
Flames, Brown took the lead, and the rest is history.

Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb / Washington Post

“Brown’s music transcended generation and musical genres,
beginning in the mid-1950s and continuing to the present. His
sliding, gliding, sweat-breaking dance steps and splits and jumps
brought audiences to their feet the world over. With his
pompadour, showy outfits and a repertoire of songs that defied
inertia, he was a phenomenal performer .

“Over the years, Brown sent audiences into states of frenzy when
he dramatized his first R&B hit, ‘Please, Please, Please’ (1956),
on stage. As a finale, Brown would walk off stage, body bent
with fatigue. He would stop, drop to one knee and wait for a
band member to drape a cape around his shoulders. As he was
being led away, Brown would toss the cape off, run to the
microphone and start begging again, ‘Baby, please don’t go,
don’t go I love you so.’ The audience would go wild as band
members wailed on their horns.

“Jonathan Lethem, writing for Rolling Stone magazine,
described watching Brown entertain as a ‘feast of adoration and
astonishment.’

‘For to see James Brown dance and sing, to see him lead his
mighty band with the merest glances and tiny flickers of signal
from his hands; to see him offer himself to his audience to be
adored and enraptured and ravished; to watch him tremble and
suffer as he tears his screams and moans of lust, glory and regret
from his sweat-drenched body is not to see: It is to behold,’
Lethem wrote.

Historians Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cornel West wrote in their
book “The African-American Century: How Black Americans
Have Shaped Our Country”:

“Mr. Brown, as he likes to be known, rapped and crooned before
his time, used vibrant horn, raunchy rock and roll guitar, and
driving bass overlaid with a grunting, familiar voice like the
sound of a moving train. His persona prefigured the
flamboyance of the disco years, of techno-funk humor, of the era
of his royal highness known as Prince.”

Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb:

“Michael Jackson and Mick Jagger aspired to dance like Brown;
Elvis Presley was said to have studied Brown’s choreography on
film .

“Brown’s live recording at the famed Apollo Theater in October
1962 was considered a pivotal event in his career and was
declared one of the greatest 100 moments in rock music in the
1960s by Entertainment Weekly .The live recording also
created a template for Sly Stone and George Clinton to follow .

“Some say Brown’s migration from R&B megastar to cultural
icon came in 1968 in the heat of Martin Luther King Jr.’s
assassination. Preparing for a concert at the Boston Garden, he
took to the airwaves and urged viewers not to dishonor King’s
memory by turning to violence. [Ed. Brown also got the local
PBS station to televise it live to help keep people indoors.]

“He continued his message of self-reliance and education in
songs such as ‘I Don’t Want Nobody to Give Me Nothing (Open
Up the Door, I’ll Get It Myself).’

“He traveled to Vietnam to perform for U.S. troops, spoke out
about the importance of job opportunities and surprised and
angered some by endorsing Richard M. Nixon for president.”

Brown’s song “Say It Loud – I’m Black and I’m Proud” changed
America’s racial vocabulary.

But for all his success the mainstream still didn’t embrace him as
much as the R&B world. Brown had a record 60 (my count is
62) top ten R&B hits, but just 7 Billboard Pop Chart top tens.
Just glancing through my R&B singles book, his success is best
exemplified by three straight No.1s in 1974 “The Payback,”
“My Thang,” and “Papa Don’t Take No Mess.”

Robert Hilburn, long-time music critic of the Los Angeles Times

“For all the impact of such towering figures as Ray Charles, Sam
Cooke and Marvin Gaye, no one influenced black music more
than James Brown because no one mirrored black culture more
than the man behind such hits as ‘Please, Please, Please,’ ‘Papa’s
Got a Brand New Bag’ and ‘I Got You (I Feel Good).’

“You hear his percolating style in Prince’s funky guitar licks, see
his spectacular physicality in Michael Jackson’s dance steps and
feel his spirit and self-affirmation in every explosive hip-hop
record.

“Long before he was showered with celebrated (and eminently
fitting) titles such as ‘the Godfather of Soul’ and ‘the Hardest-
Working Man in Show Business,’ Brown was briefly thought of
by some as the black Elvis, which was mostly silly – except in
one profound way.

“If Presley was the artist most often cited by leading white
musicians as an influence – and I found that to be true in the 60s
and 70s – Brown was the name I most often heard when asking
African-American musicians about who inspired them.

“Brown’s influence isn’t limited to black artists by any means.
One of the most illuminating pop moments ever captured by a
camera was when a young Mick Jagger stood in the wings,
mesmerized, watching Brown’s seductive moves during the 60s
concert film ‘The T.A.M.I. Show,’ and we all know how Jagger
eventually built his stage performance around those moves.

“If anything, Brown’s impact on modern pop music is
underrated, partly because he did most of his defining work on
secondary record labels that didn’t have massive publicity
machines and he never really embraced the mainstream the way,
say, Ray Charles did. Yet, you could build a case that Brown
was also the ‘Godfather of Disco,’ the ‘Godfather of Rap’ and
the ‘Godfather of Funk’ because his electrifying beats powered
so many genres .

“In nominating the 500 greatest singles ever in a 1989 book, rock
critic Dave Marsh listed ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’ at No. 3,
declaring that the only way the single could be ‘more bone-
rattling was if Brown himself leaped from your speakers,
grabbed you tight by the shoulders and danced you around the
room, all the while screaming straight into your face.’ He added,
‘No record before ‘Papa’s’ sounded anything like it. No record
since – certainly no dance record – has been unmarked by it.’

“Still, my favorite James Brown record is probably ‘I Got You (I
Feel Good),’ which was the follow-up to ‘Papa’s Got a Brand
New Bag.’ It was a record of supreme optimism and cheer. I’ve
even got a foot-high James Brown bobblehead in my den, and it
screams ‘I Feel Good’ when you push a button.

“I’ve pushed it dozens of times when friends were over, and
every time it brought smiles. It’s just one sign that Brown’s
music remains powerful. For another sign, just turn on the radio.
Half the music you hear, from Kanye West and Jay Z to Justin
Timberlake and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is in part a testimony
to that power.

“At some point today, I’ll just push the button on the bobblehead
doll, or put on one of Brown’s CDs. There’s no way that music
won’t still make you feel alive. What a wonderful legacy for any
artist.”

Friend Charles Bobbit was at Brown’s side when he died. It was
classic Brown, as Bobbit later recalled. “I’m going away
tonight,” Brown said. “I didn’t want to believe him,” Bobbit
noted. But a short time later, according to Bobbit, Brown sighed
quietly, closed his eyes and died.

Gerald R. Ford

[I apologize .I’m scrambling time-wise, as you can probably
imagine just a few takes you might not see in the news
coverage.]

Herbert S. Parmet, from the book “The Presidents” edited by
Henry F. Graff.

“At noon on 9 August 1974, the day on which President Nixon
resigned, everyone in the East Room of the White House rose as
Chief Justice Warren Burger entered. Then came Vice President
and Mrs. Gerald Ford. She held the Bible, opened to the Book of
Proverbs, as Ford placed his right hand on it and was sworn in as
the thirty-eighth president of the United States. He told the
audience that ‘our long national nightmare is over. Our
Constitution works. Our great Republic is a Government of laws
and not of men.’ Then he urged, ‘Let us restore the golden rule to
our political process, and let brotherly love purge our hearts of
suspicion and of hate.’ Three days later, the new president
addressed a joint session of the Congress and said, ‘I do not want
a honeymoon with you. I want a good marriage.’ He stressed
opposition to ‘unwarranted cuts in national defense’ and gave the
control of inflation as his first priority. His foreign policy would
be a continuation of Nixon’s: working toward a cease-fire in
Vietnam and a negotiated settlement in Laos, d tente with the
Soviet Union, and continuation of the ‘new relationship’ with the
People’s Republic of China. Addressing himself directly to the
ethics of government, he promised no ‘illegal tapings,
eavesdropping, buggings, or break-ins by my Administration.’

“Ford was the first president of the United States to reach the
White House by way of the Twenty-fifth Amendment. He
thereby became more a designated, rather than an ‘accidental,’
president. Even at the moment of his nomination, mounting
revelations about the Watergate scandal had made his ultimate
rise to the presidency a distinct possibility. In naming him to
replace Spiro Agnew, Nixon had little choice other than to heed
the advice of the Democratic leadership that the former House
minority leader was the only Republican they would agree to
confirm. Ford was simply not viewed as a potent candidate for
the presidential nomination in 1976. His elevation made him, in
effect, the first congressional president. Contrary to the
expectations of its sponsors, the Twenty-fifth Amendment
created a presidency that considerably reduced the distance
between Capitol Hill and the White House. Ford had not been in
office very long before the amendment’s implications became
obvious. A Ford speechwriter, Robert Hartmann, later wrote that
Congress ‘will never knowingly select the strongest possible
Presidential prospect as their opposition. They will pick, at best,
someone they see as a competent caretaker until the next
election.’ Ron Nessen, Ford’s second press secretary, observed
that no other president was routinely described as ‘acting
presidential’ instead of simply being president.’ Ford never fully
recovered from that burden.”

Lewis L. Gould, from the book “American Heritage: The
Presidents” edited by Michael Beschloss

“Ford gained a lasting place in the nation’s history when he
managed successfully the transition of power after the trauma of
Richard Nixon’s tumultuous last two years in office. Ford’s
twenty-nine months as president did not produce earth-shattering
events, but his low-key moderation seemed to be just what the
United States needed. Ford lost the 1976 election to Jimmy
Carter in part because of his pardon of Richard Nixon and in part
because of his own limitations as a leader. ‘A Ford, not a
Lincoln,’ he said of himself. .

“A generation after he left the presidency, Gerald Ford had the
satisfaction of seeing the American people come around to the
view that pardoning Richard Nixon was the right thing to do.
With the fall of Saigon, he helped Americans to accept the first
military defeat in their history with a minimum of recriminations
and poison. Ford’s decency and simple virtues helped to restore
Americans’ faith, in the wake of Watergate, that their political
leaders were not all liars or crooks. Had Nixon been succeeded
by a different kind of human being, the history of the 1970s
could have been different. One reason Gerald Ford was so
underrated by his contemporaries was that he made it all look so
easy.”

Thomas J. Bray, from the book “Presidential Leadership” edited
by James Taranto and Leonard Leo

“Few presidents have ever come into office holding a weaker
hand than Gerald R. Ford. The Watergate scandal had left a
bitter residue of mistrust and anger. The demoralizing American
retreat from Vietnam hung heavy over the land. The economy
was headed into the worst downturn since the late 1950s.
Inflation stood at 12 percent .

“But Ford’s fundamental decency made him the right man to
lead the country after the trauma of Watergate. In 1977, as
President Carter delivered his inaugural address, he turned to
Ford and said to heartfelt applause: ‘For myself and my country,
I want to thank my predecessor for all he has done to heal our
land.’”

---

Stuff

--As of a week ago, 44 former cadets at West Point have been
killed in either the wars in Afghanistan or Iraq, including former
captains of the baseball, hockey and swim teams. [Juliet Macur /
New York Times]

--The New York Giants collapse continued on Sunday in what
had to be the worst display of ineptitude I’ve seen in ages.
Picture that the Giants never snapped the ball in New Orleans
territory in their 30-7 loss, the Giants only score coming on a 55-
yard pass play early in the first quarter. After starting out 6-for-6
passing, quarterback Eli Manning went 3 of 19 the rest of the
way. Geezuz, he sucks. As the New York Post’s George Willis
observed, “The Giants want us to be patient, insisting it’s only a
matter of time before he starts to play more like his big brother
Peyton. But judging from his performance yesterday, it’s hard to
believe they are from the same blood line.” In the first 40 games
of his career, Eli has a terrible quarterback rating of 73.2.

Selena Roberts of the New York Times commented on Giants
coach Tom Coughlin, who is about to be fired. “They
(ownership) hired Arthur Fiedler to conduct VH1’s ‘Divas Live.’
A mismatch from the beginning is in full bloom now. Coughlin
is a throwback coach trying to direct a team built to win today
that is assembled with self-consumed players fixated on
tomorrow.”

But after starting out 6-2 and then going 1-6, at 7-8 the Giants
are virtually assured of making the playoffs if they win next
Saturday versus Washington, with only one very complicated
formula involving Green Bay, also 7-8, in play.

--But how ‘bout my Jets?! Beat Oakland on Sunday and they’re
in one of the more remarkable coaching jobs in some time by
rookie Eric Mangini. We’re in a state of shock around here.

--And speaking of shock, what an awesome job by the Eagles
after Donovan McNabb went down. Jeff Garcia, who filled in
for him, and Dallas’ Tony Romo, the latter despite stumbling
lately, are the QB stories of the year. Who wudda thunk it back
in September?

--Then there’s Terrell Owens. “I just feel like I’m not involved
early in the game. Everybody knows that’s what I do .It’s hard
to get in the flow when you’re getting a ball here, a ball there.”
Contrast that attitude with that of the Jets. They just keep their
mouths shut and go out and perform.

--The New York Mets raised their ticket prices for 2007. Box
seats now range from $72 to $108, compared with $60 to $96 last
season. You can feed a child in Africa for a year on that.

--Mike Evans, aka Lionel Jefferson, died at the age of 57 from
throat cancer. Lionel was perfectly cast for his stints on “All in
the Family” and then the spinoff “The Jeffersons.”

--Jeff B. lives near where Brett Somers of “Match Game” fame
also resides and he told me she used to have Christmas trees with
old-fashioned candles on them. So about 10 years ago she got
loaded, lit the candles, passed out, and set her house on fire. Jeff
saw her a few weeks ago in Barnes and Noble and said she didn’t
look real good. Well she is 82, after all; though I would submit
she looked about that age when she was on “Match Game.”

--Sorry to see Miss Nevada USA get fired by Donald Trump.
Then again when pictures surfaced of her “licking other women’s
breasts and tongues, flashing her breasts and thong, and ”
Actually I better not go any further if I’m to keep my
International Web Site Association.

--For those of you who lived in the Manhattan area over the past
70 years, you undoubtedly at some point came across Jerry
Berns, a proprietor of the “21” Club. Ironically Berns died on
Dec. 21 at the age of 99.

For over 50 years he greeted some of the nation’s big movers and
shakers, including every president between FDR and Jimmy
Carter. Some regulars ate at “21” almost every day and Berns
was known to reserve the best tables for the likes of Ernest
Hemingway, Frank Sinatra or Humphrey Bogart, who proposed
to Lauren Bacall in the restaurant.

“More than once, his daughter said, Mr. Berns averted disaster
by making sure that the third party in a love triangle was seated
out of sight.” [Tim Weiner / New York Times]

--December 28, 1886, Illinois socialite Josephine Garis Cochran
patented the first commercially successful dishwasher. Wire
racks hold the dishes in a boiler while a hand-operated pump
shoots sudsy water at them. Cochran targeted hotels and her
company evolved into KitchenAid!

--Brad K. was very concerned about Flora, the pregnant Komodo
dragon living in a British zoo, who was close to delivering a
bunch of babies on Christmas Day, even though Flora had never
mated, or even mixed socially (at The Dragon Pub) with a male
Komodo. So it’s a virgin birth.

The problem, as both Brad and I see it, is that Flora’s deal, along
with another similar virgin birth at a different UK zoo, proves a
point made in the journal Nature; that being how female dragons
could swim to another island and establish a new colony on their
own. So like we could have Komodos multiplying in, say,
Florida, and then hitching rides up I-95 to the New York / New
Jersey / Connecticut tri-state area where you’d have Komodo
pods all over the place. Very unsettling.

--For the archives, a 350-pound Siberian tiger attacked and
ripped her trainer’s arm off at the San Francisco Zoo as at least
50 visitors looked on.

“The 3-year-old tiger reached through the iron bars of her
enclosure and grabbed the trainer with both front paws shortly
after a regular 2 p.m. public feeding, zoo officials said.” [AP]

--True, tragic story and yet another reason to kill all the deer.

“A deer hurled into the air after colliding with a car and killed a
driver in an oncoming lane when it crashed through his
windshield.

“Sandra Simon, 40, of Baltimore, Md., was driving her 2003
Audi A4 westbound on Route 33 in Manalapan, Monmouth
County (N.J.) when a deer wandered onto the road in front of her
car

“When she hit the deer, it was propelled across the road, police
said.

“The deer landed on an eastbound 2001 Oldsmobile Alero driven
by Nicholas Bonn, 40, of Point Pleasant Borough. Bonn died of
his injuries at the scene.” [Star-Ledger]

--The Bush administration is about to put polar bears on the
endangered species list, thereby acknowledging the impact of
global warming on rapidly declining Arctic ice fields. Said an
Interior Department official to the Washington Post, “Obviously,
the sea ice is melting because the temperatures are warmer.”
Some scientists now say Arctic temps could rise a staggering 13
degrees Fahrenheit in the next few decades, thereby wiping out
the summer sea ice the polar bears need. There are an estimated
20,000 to 25,000 worldwide, 4,700 of which live in Alaska and
spend part of the year in Canada and Russia.

Juliet Eilperin / Washington Post

“The ice in Canada’s western Hudson Bay breaks up 2 weeks
earlier than it did 30 years ago, giving polar bears there less time
to hunt and build up fat reserves that sustain them for eight
months before hunting resumes. As local polar bears have
become thinner, female polar bears’ reproductive rates and cubs’
survival rates have fallen, spurring a 21 percent population drop
from 1997 to 2004 .

“Polar bears normally swim from one patch of sea ice to another
to hunt for food, but they are not accustomed to going long
distances. In September 2004, government scientists observed
55 polar bears swimming offshore in the Alaskan Beaufort Sea,
an unprecedented spike, and four of those bears died. In a
separate study that year, federal scientists identified three
instances near the Beaufort Sea in which polar bears ate one
another.”

Not good, sports fans.

--Gerald Ford, as center on the University of Michigan football
team, helped lead the Wolverines to national championships in
1932 and 1933. But rather than accept an offer to play in the
NFL, he chose to attend Yale Law School. His #48 jersey is one
of only five numbers that have been retired in the history of
Michigan football. [Once my golf publications have a chance to
comment, I’ll have some tributes from that part of the sporting
world.]

--Minnesota Twins hurler Brad Radke retired at the age of 34 due
to serious shoulder problems. Radke pitched 12 seasons with the
Twins and was 148-139 in his solid career.

--Boy, this is a lousy story. Rutgers women’s basketball coach
Vivian Stringer was looking at a credit card statement when she
found an expenditure that wasn’t hers. She soon discovered
other unauthorized charges that were then traced to her longtime
friend and administrative assistant Dawn Buckner. Buckner was
indicted on eight counts of stealing almost $76,000 from
Stringer’s personal accounts. She faces 10 to 20 years in prison
if convicted. Buckner had been dismissed end of the 2005
school year after Rutgers learned of the alleged thefts and then
the legal process played out until the indictment was handed
down.

--The Detroit Lions’ last six seasons:

2001 2-14
2002 3-13
2003 5-11
2004 6-10
2005 5-11
2006 2-13

The only worse six-year loss total in NFL history was Tampa
Bay’s stretch between 1983 and ’88.

--According to Mintel, a research company in Britain, the
average reveler in the UK will drink the equivalent of 68 pints of
beer or 15 bottles of wine over the 12 days of Christmas. Yikes!
Drinking has become so bad in some English communities that
midnight mass has been done away with in favor of 9:00 p.m.

--So I’m heading to the Orange Bowl to see Wake Forest take on
Louisville. Our coach, Jim Grobe, was selected AP Coach of the
Year, handily beating out Rutgers’ Greg Schiano. Grobe seems a
lot like the Jets’ Eric Mangini. Low-key on the sidelines, loyal
to his players and they return the favor. “The best thing he did
this year was convincing us to believe in our program and to
believe in him and the rest of his coaches,” linebacker Aaron
Curry said. Safety Patrick Ghee added, “When he talks to us, it’s
not so much like a coach who’s demanding something from us.
It’s more like a father who loves us.”

Luckily for us fans, Grobe is staying despite being in big demand
for higher-profile positions. “I have no idea what the future
holds,” he said, “but I could not be happier than I am at Wake
Forest right now.” [ESPN.com, Sports Illustrated]

While I was at Wake in the late 1970s, Steely Dan recorded the
album “Aja” with a song on it titled “Deacon Blues.”

“They’ve got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues.”

Steely Dan’s Donald Fagen wrote the lyrics in 1977, the same
year Alabama went 11-1 while Wake was 1-10.

But I had always heard the Wake / Alabama football fortunes had
zippo to do with the song and as John Delong recently wrote in
the Winston-Salem Journal, there have been football myths and
urban legends for decades surrounding the tune. What makes it
all the more difficult is Donald Fagen refuses to definitively
state what the deal was.

One of the legends was that Steely Dan played a concert in
Winston-Salem in 1977, but that’s not true. For starters they
didn’t tour at all from 1975 to 1982. Another urban legend has
co-founder Walter Becker attending Wake Forest, but he went to
Bard College.

According to an interview in Rolling Stone, when asked about
the lyrics Fagen didn’t give a detailed explanation as to why he
chose Alabama’s and Wake Forest’s nicknames, “but it was clear
he was looking for contrasts – and was trying to complete the
song as quickly as possible,” according to Delong.

“Walter and I had been working on that song at a house in
Malibu,” Fagen told Rolling Stone. “And he said, ‘You mean,
it’s like, they call these cracker (bleeps) this grandiose name like
the Crimson Tide, and I’m this loser, so they call me this other
grandiose name, Deacon Blues?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And he
said, ‘Cool! Let’s finish it.’” [Source: Phil W.]

--Hawaii’s Colt Brennan broke the single-season record in
Division I for most TD passes in throwing five in Hawaii’s 41-24
win over Arizona State in the Hawaii Bowl on Sunday night.
Brennan ended up with 58 in 14 games, but there’s a chance the
junior may return for his senior year if he doesn’t feel he’d be
picked high enough in the NFL draft this spring. Brennan says
he enjoys school and having finished sixth in the Heisman voting
could be a legitimate candidate next year.

--John Hawkins of GolfWorld interviewed Tiger’s caddie Steve
Williams and Williams talked about the difference between the
Tiger of 2000 and that of 2006. Tiger really didn’t putt well this
year, which is pretty scary when you assume he’ll correct that in
2007. Consider 2000. Williams said Tiger once went 258 holes
without three-putting. Over 14 rounds!

--What can you say about “For Better or For Worse”? This
whole fire deal is absurd. For starters, on 12/22 Jeff B. observed
that in the first box the little kid is walking and on the bottom
step, but then in the next box he’s somehow been lifted into his
mother’s arms, with all three (including the other kid) having
moved backwards three steps. And of course you all saw what
happened in Sunday’s strip. Miraculously, Michael’s family was
preparing for Christmas even as the fire was still raging.

Also, what the heck happened to Copper Paul and his visit to see
Elizabeth? I mean as of 12/27, with only four strips to go before
year end, including New Year’s (but not including the usual
Sunday fiasco), we need to have the final confrontation between
Paul and pitiful Anthony; both fighting over the affections of Liz.

And what of Grandpa? Did he overdose while attention was
turned to Michael and Deanna’s fire? I’m betting Grandpa is
lying in an ally someplace having bought some bad heroin.

But back to the fire, what was it with the fireman philosophizing
when he should have been racing upstairs to save Michael? And
on 12/23, what was it with the final shot of Deanna and the two
kids preening for the camera? At least there is still some hope
the Kelpfroths, who started the fire, bought the farm.

--We lost a lot of sports celebrities this year. Red Auerbach, Joe
Niekro, Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, Kirby Puckett, Boom Boom
Geoffrion, Ray Meyer, Byron Nelson, Floyd Patterson, Curt
Gowdy, Bo Schembechler and Buck O’Neil to name just a few.

--And add to the list Cecil Travis, 93, a former three-time All-
Star with the Washington Senators whose career was cut short by
World War II. By the time Travis had finished the 1941 season,
Cecil was 28, had 1,370 hits in his career and a super .327
batting average. But then he enlisted in the spring of 1942,
suffered from frozen feet in 1944-45 while he was in the special
services branch, and never regained his peak form when he
returned to baseball end of the ‘45 season. He retired after 1947
with 1,544 hits and a career .314 average.

But I hate to rain on the Cecil Travis parade, in terms of him
getting into the Hall of Fame via the Veterans Committee. While
his best season was 1941, when he hit .359 and led the league in
hits with 218, the same year Ted Williams was batting .406, you
just can’t presume he’d have finished his career with over 2,500
hits and a .330 average had he not been called to duty.

And now THE 2006 BAR CHAT AWARDS!!!!!

Once again, we’d like to thank Pamela Anderson, Ben Affleck
and Maya Angelou for agreeing to host despite their busy
schedules. And a reminder on some definitions.

The difference between an idiot and a jerk, as defined by
Webster’s:

An idiot is “an ignorant person; foolish or stupid.” A jerk, on the
other hand, is “annoyingly stupid or foolish.”

To me a jerk is fully aware of what they are doing, while an idiot
lacks some of the basics. As for “dirtball,” there has to be
something malicious in the behavior.

So let’s look at some candidates.

Ben Wallace, for refusing to abide by the Chicago Bulls’
headband rule, is a jerk. Michael Vick, for giving the finger to
Falcons fans, is a dirtball.

Television analyst and former Univ. of Miami football player
Lamar Thomas is an idiot for describing a fight between Miami
and Florida International players in the following manner.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about. You come into our house,
you should get your behind kicked.”

Sara Evans’ husband is the classic example of an idiot for
leaving her, while Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is both a jerk and
a dirtball; the latter earned for his ongoing sexual harassment
case.

Davis Jones is a jerk for yanking Carolina Hurricanes jerseys off
a statue of Andrew Jackson following the Hurricanes’ Stanley
Cup triumph. He was issued a citation.

Lance Armstrong is a jerk for saying at a sports award show that
“All their players have tested positive for being assholes,”
referring to French football captain Zinedine Zidane’s head-butt
in the World Cup final. [As for Zidane, he almost was "Dirtball
of the Year."]

Or how about Olympic snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis?
Remember her? She hot-dogged it in her big event and lost the
gold. That’s an idiot.

Tiki Barber was a jerk twice in 2006. For blaming the coaches
following a desultory 23-0 loss in the playoffs to the Panthers
last January, and then doing it again this current season.

Golfer John Daly pulled one of his jerk moves at the FBR Open.
He called in sick for the Wednesday pro-am, shot 74 in
Thursday’s first round, a 40 on his front nine on Friday, and then
walked directly to his car and left without telling anyone.

Allen Heckard is an idiot. Heckard is the man who sued Michael
Jordan because Heckard claimed he was recognized everywhere
he goes as MJ. Heckard included Nike chairman Phil Knight in
the $832 million suit on grounds of 15 years of harassment, or so
he said.

The aforementioned Dawn Buckner is the classic example of a
dirtball. But Buckner’s offenses occurred prior to 2006 so she’s
ineligible.

Basketball player Steve Francis is always a jerk. While with
Orlando, he was suspended indefinitely for refusing to enter a
game when the Magic were down 103-87 with 3:22 left.

Football player Junior Seau was a jerk for announcing his
retirement after 16 years and then four days later signing with
New England.

Mel Gibson is a jerk. Enough said. [But I’ll always love
“Braveheart”!!!!!] So is Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

And now the winners.

First off Animal of the Year. You know, there weren’t many
documented cases of animals being great to humans in 2006.
But thankfully few natural disasters required the efforts of rescue
dogs. Once again, however, dogs take home the trophy (their
third, if I remember right), not just because of individual cases
like the female jogger out West who the other week fell off a
cliff and was seriously hurt. Her dog never gave up and
eventually alerted rescuers to her location.

No, more importantly I’ve seen a few stories from Iraq where
soldiers adopt a dog or two to provide some comfort back at base
after returning from their grueling, sometimes terrifying forays
into the streets of Fallujah or Baghdad.

Idiot of the Year Co-winners Floyd Landis and Ben
Roethlisberger. Landis for thinking we’d believe his pitiful story
that he didn’t use steroids in the Tour de France, even though for
one highly questionable stage of the event he pedaled faster than
any human being ever has. And to Steelers quarterback
Roethlisberger, for not only failing to wear a helmet when he
crashed his motorcycle, but for then saying afterwards that he
would do the same thing again. Now that’s an idiot.

The “Terrell Owens Jerk of the Year” Bode Miller. In fact,
friends, with his no-show performance at the Winter Olympics,
due in no small part to his incredibly poor attitude and seriously
deficient work ethic, Bode Miller also receives a “Lifetime Jerk”
trophy. [Recall the award was named after T.O. last year.]

Dirtball of the Year Who else, but once again Barry Bonds;
now a three-time winner of the Dave Bliss trophy for continuing
to desecrate the sport of baseball and the record book that any
true sports fan cherishes.

And a new one for this year “Idiot Franchise” award goes to
the Florida Marlins, who designated May 28 at Dolphins
Stadium as “Jewish Heritage Day.” The team then gave away
Mike Jacobs t-shirts; only one problem. Jacobs isn’t Jewish.
Said Jacobs, “They said it wasn’t done intentionally, but I don’t
know about that.”

Finally, we are handing a special “Lifetime Dirtball” award to
Cherie Davis, mother of speedskater Shani. Perhaps you forgot
this episode, as I reported back in this space, 3/7/06.

You know, there we were, watching Shani Davis’s anger at the
Olympics and I never saw his mother, Cherie. You knew she
was there, but boy I didn’t realize what an awful person she truly
is until reading Rick Reilly’s piece in Sports Illustrated this
week.

On how everyone blamed her for Shani’s icy demeanor, Cherie
said:

“Of course they say that. Got to blame a black person.”

On Shani’s uncomfortable to watch interview with NBC’s
Melissa Stark after winning gold, Cherie said:

“Well, why should he be all warm to her? She’s got some
painted-on smile. She doesn’t care about Shani! Why does his
first moment have to be shared with that woman?”

Rick Reilly:

“Shani did have a far warmer interview with Stark after he won
the silver medal, but by then the damage was done, and Joe
Corporate was running from the Davises like they were IRS
auditors.

“ ‘If we want to be poor, it’s none of your business!’ Cherie says.
‘We don’t care about money anyway. Between us, we have one
’89 [Ford] Escort. That’s it So Shani won’t be a hero, won’t be
on the Wheaties box. Shani is still going to be all right.’

Rick Reilly:

“Sometimes you wonder. There is footage in a Dutch
documentary of her calling Shani a loser to his face. She doesn’t
deny it: ‘He’s my son, I can call him a loser if I want. I thought
it was funny.’

“Ohhh-kay. And what about this quote she gave the St. Louis
Post-Dispatch’s Bryan Burwell: ‘If it weren’t for me, Shani
would be selling drugs on the street.’”

As for Shani himself, he was simply a jerk.

Top 3 songs for the week of 12/27/80: #1 “(Just Like) Starting
Over” (John Lennon) #2 “More Than I Can Say” (Leo Sayer)
#3 “Love On The Rocks” (Neil Diamond) and #4 “Lady”
(Kenny Rogers) #5 “Hungry Heart” (Bruce Springsteen) #9
“Hit Me With Your Best Shot” (Pat Benatar)

College Basketball Quiz Answer: Top ten in wins, Division I.

[Thru Dec. 23 last school worked at listed]

1. x-Bob Knight, Texas Tech 879
1. Dean Smith, North Carolina 879
3. Adolph Rupp, Kentucky 876
4. Jim Phelan, Mt. St. Mary’s, Md. 830
5. Eddie Sutton, Oklahoma State 798
6. Lefty Driesell, Georgia State 786
7. Lou Henson, New Mexico State 779
8. x-Lute Olson, Arizona 770
9. x-Mike Krzyzewski, Duke 764
9. Henry Iba, Oklahoma State 764

x - active

[other actives]

13. x-Jim Calhoun, UConn 743
15. x-Jim Boeheim, Syracuse 736

[other notables]

John Chaney 741
Jerry Tarkanian 729
Norm Stewart 728
Ray Meyer 724
Don Haskins 719

*Knight is going for #880 tonight, 12/28, vs. UNLV.

Next Bar Chat not posted until Jan. 4, at which time I’ll have
more on James Brown In the meantime, see you at the Orange
Bowl.

Happy New Year!!!!


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Bar Chat

12/28/2006

The Godfather of Soul

UPDATE: Pray the Feds have the goods on Barry Bonds. Keep
hope alive! Keep hope alive!

But, Murray Chass of The New York Times had this take on a
federal court ruling on Wednesday that allows the Feds to use
steroid-test samples seized in 2004 for whatever purposes they
see fit related to the BALCO investigation. Aside from Barry
Bonds’s name, and those already revealed such as Gary
Sheffield’s, many others may now emerge.

“One thought some people had upon hearing the outcome of the
government’s appeal was that it could have an adverse effect on
Barry Bonds’s status, but that will probably not be so.

“The Bonds speculation stems from the possibility that he tested
positive for steroids use in 2003, the year baseball conducted
survey testing of all players to determine if testing for
disciplinary purposes would ensue in 2004.

“However, even if Bonds tested positive, he would not have
known it because the testing was supposed to have been done
anonymously. Furthermore, he reportedly told the grand jury
investing BALCO for steroids distribution that he didn’t
knowingly use steroids. Bonds thought one of the substances
was flaxseed oil, he reportedly testified.

“If Bonds tested positive in 2003, the result might make him look
worse than he already does, but it wouldn’t help the government
prove that he perjured himself with his answers under oath to the
grand jury.”

The Major League Players Association could take this case to the
United States Supreme Court, if the Supremes will hear it.

---

College Basketball Quiz: With Bob Knight preparing to surpass
Dean Smith as the winningest college basketball coach
(minimum 10 seasons in Division I), name the top ten in
victories. Aside from the first two I’ll give you #4, Jim Phelan.
Answer below.

James Brown, RIP

How could you not love this guy? I’m just thinking of his
performance in “Please, Please, Please” and smiling; perhaps the
single greatest routine in rock / R&B history. And as the
Reverend Jesse Jackson said, “He was dramatic to the end
dying on Christmas Day.”

The Reverend Al Sharpton traveled with Brown in the 1970s and
Sharpton’s hairstyle is literally an imitation of Brown’s, the latter
having taken Al to his hairdresser one time and forever after
Sharpton wore it as a tribute.

“James Brown changed music,” said Sharpton. “What James
Brown was to music in terms of soul and hip-hop, rap, all of that,
is what Bach was to classical music. This is a guy who literally
changed the music industry. He put everybody on a different
beat, a different style of music. He pioneered it.”

Chuck D of Public Enemy once said “To this day, there has been
no one near as funky. No one’s coming even close.”

Brown was born into poverty in Barnwell, S.C., in 1933, and
abandoned by his mother to the care of relatives, including an
aunt who ran a brothel, in Augusta, Ga. He served three years in
reform school for breaking into cars when he was in the 8th
grade, but it was there he met Bobby Byrd, whose family took
him in as Brown joined Byrd in his group the Gospel
Starlighters. Eventually they changed the name to the Famous
Flames, Brown took the lead, and the rest is history.

Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb / Washington Post

“Brown’s music transcended generation and musical genres,
beginning in the mid-1950s and continuing to the present. His
sliding, gliding, sweat-breaking dance steps and splits and jumps
brought audiences to their feet the world over. With his
pompadour, showy outfits and a repertoire of songs that defied
inertia, he was a phenomenal performer .

“Over the years, Brown sent audiences into states of frenzy when
he dramatized his first R&B hit, ‘Please, Please, Please’ (1956),
on stage. As a finale, Brown would walk off stage, body bent
with fatigue. He would stop, drop to one knee and wait for a
band member to drape a cape around his shoulders. As he was
being led away, Brown would toss the cape off, run to the
microphone and start begging again, ‘Baby, please don’t go,
don’t go I love you so.’ The audience would go wild as band
members wailed on their horns.

“Jonathan Lethem, writing for Rolling Stone magazine,
described watching Brown entertain as a ‘feast of adoration and
astonishment.’

‘For to see James Brown dance and sing, to see him lead his
mighty band with the merest glances and tiny flickers of signal
from his hands; to see him offer himself to his audience to be
adored and enraptured and ravished; to watch him tremble and
suffer as he tears his screams and moans of lust, glory and regret
from his sweat-drenched body is not to see: It is to behold,’
Lethem wrote.

Historians Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cornel West wrote in their
book “The African-American Century: How Black Americans
Have Shaped Our Country”:

“Mr. Brown, as he likes to be known, rapped and crooned before
his time, used vibrant horn, raunchy rock and roll guitar, and
driving bass overlaid with a grunting, familiar voice like the
sound of a moving train. His persona prefigured the
flamboyance of the disco years, of techno-funk humor, of the era
of his royal highness known as Prince.”

Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb:

“Michael Jackson and Mick Jagger aspired to dance like Brown;
Elvis Presley was said to have studied Brown’s choreography on
film .

“Brown’s live recording at the famed Apollo Theater in October
1962 was considered a pivotal event in his career and was
declared one of the greatest 100 moments in rock music in the
1960s by Entertainment Weekly .The live recording also
created a template for Sly Stone and George Clinton to follow .

“Some say Brown’s migration from R&B megastar to cultural
icon came in 1968 in the heat of Martin Luther King Jr.’s
assassination. Preparing for a concert at the Boston Garden, he
took to the airwaves and urged viewers not to dishonor King’s
memory by turning to violence. [Ed. Brown also got the local
PBS station to televise it live to help keep people indoors.]

“He continued his message of self-reliance and education in
songs such as ‘I Don’t Want Nobody to Give Me Nothing (Open
Up the Door, I’ll Get It Myself).’

“He traveled to Vietnam to perform for U.S. troops, spoke out
about the importance of job opportunities and surprised and
angered some by endorsing Richard M. Nixon for president.”

Brown’s song “Say It Loud – I’m Black and I’m Proud” changed
America’s racial vocabulary.

But for all his success the mainstream still didn’t embrace him as
much as the R&B world. Brown had a record 60 (my count is
62) top ten R&B hits, but just 7 Billboard Pop Chart top tens.
Just glancing through my R&B singles book, his success is best
exemplified by three straight No.1s in 1974 “The Payback,”
“My Thang,” and “Papa Don’t Take No Mess.”

Robert Hilburn, long-time music critic of the Los Angeles Times

“For all the impact of such towering figures as Ray Charles, Sam
Cooke and Marvin Gaye, no one influenced black music more
than James Brown because no one mirrored black culture more
than the man behind such hits as ‘Please, Please, Please,’ ‘Papa’s
Got a Brand New Bag’ and ‘I Got You (I Feel Good).’

“You hear his percolating style in Prince’s funky guitar licks, see
his spectacular physicality in Michael Jackson’s dance steps and
feel his spirit and self-affirmation in every explosive hip-hop
record.

“Long before he was showered with celebrated (and eminently
fitting) titles such as ‘the Godfather of Soul’ and ‘the Hardest-
Working Man in Show Business,’ Brown was briefly thought of
by some as the black Elvis, which was mostly silly – except in
one profound way.

“If Presley was the artist most often cited by leading white
musicians as an influence – and I found that to be true in the 60s
and 70s – Brown was the name I most often heard when asking
African-American musicians about who inspired them.

“Brown’s influence isn’t limited to black artists by any means.
One of the most illuminating pop moments ever captured by a
camera was when a young Mick Jagger stood in the wings,
mesmerized, watching Brown’s seductive moves during the 60s
concert film ‘The T.A.M.I. Show,’ and we all know how Jagger
eventually built his stage performance around those moves.

“If anything, Brown’s impact on modern pop music is
underrated, partly because he did most of his defining work on
secondary record labels that didn’t have massive publicity
machines and he never really embraced the mainstream the way,
say, Ray Charles did. Yet, you could build a case that Brown
was also the ‘Godfather of Disco,’ the ‘Godfather of Rap’ and
the ‘Godfather of Funk’ because his electrifying beats powered
so many genres .

“In nominating the 500 greatest singles ever in a 1989 book, rock
critic Dave Marsh listed ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’ at No. 3,
declaring that the only way the single could be ‘more bone-
rattling was if Brown himself leaped from your speakers,
grabbed you tight by the shoulders and danced you around the
room, all the while screaming straight into your face.’ He added,
‘No record before ‘Papa’s’ sounded anything like it. No record
since – certainly no dance record – has been unmarked by it.’

“Still, my favorite James Brown record is probably ‘I Got You (I
Feel Good),’ which was the follow-up to ‘Papa’s Got a Brand
New Bag.’ It was a record of supreme optimism and cheer. I’ve
even got a foot-high James Brown bobblehead in my den, and it
screams ‘I Feel Good’ when you push a button.

“I’ve pushed it dozens of times when friends were over, and
every time it brought smiles. It’s just one sign that Brown’s
music remains powerful. For another sign, just turn on the radio.
Half the music you hear, from Kanye West and Jay Z to Justin
Timberlake and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is in part a testimony
to that power.

“At some point today, I’ll just push the button on the bobblehead
doll, or put on one of Brown’s CDs. There’s no way that music
won’t still make you feel alive. What a wonderful legacy for any
artist.”

Friend Charles Bobbit was at Brown’s side when he died. It was
classic Brown, as Bobbit later recalled. “I’m going away
tonight,” Brown said. “I didn’t want to believe him,” Bobbit
noted. But a short time later, according to Bobbit, Brown sighed
quietly, closed his eyes and died.

Gerald R. Ford

[I apologize .I’m scrambling time-wise, as you can probably
imagine just a few takes you might not see in the news
coverage.]

Herbert S. Parmet, from the book “The Presidents” edited by
Henry F. Graff.

“At noon on 9 August 1974, the day on which President Nixon
resigned, everyone in the East Room of the White House rose as
Chief Justice Warren Burger entered. Then came Vice President
and Mrs. Gerald Ford. She held the Bible, opened to the Book of
Proverbs, as Ford placed his right hand on it and was sworn in as
the thirty-eighth president of the United States. He told the
audience that ‘our long national nightmare is over. Our
Constitution works. Our great Republic is a Government of laws
and not of men.’ Then he urged, ‘Let us restore the golden rule to
our political process, and let brotherly love purge our hearts of
suspicion and of hate.’ Three days later, the new president
addressed a joint session of the Congress and said, ‘I do not want
a honeymoon with you. I want a good marriage.’ He stressed
opposition to ‘unwarranted cuts in national defense’ and gave the
control of inflation as his first priority. His foreign policy would
be a continuation of Nixon’s: working toward a cease-fire in
Vietnam and a negotiated settlement in Laos, d tente with the
Soviet Union, and continuation of the ‘new relationship’ with the
People’s Republic of China. Addressing himself directly to the
ethics of government, he promised no ‘illegal tapings,
eavesdropping, buggings, or break-ins by my Administration.’

“Ford was the first president of the United States to reach the
White House by way of the Twenty-fifth Amendment. He
thereby became more a designated, rather than an ‘accidental,’
president. Even at the moment of his nomination, mounting
revelations about the Watergate scandal had made his ultimate
rise to the presidency a distinct possibility. In naming him to
replace Spiro Agnew, Nixon had little choice other than to heed
the advice of the Democratic leadership that the former House
minority leader was the only Republican they would agree to
confirm. Ford was simply not viewed as a potent candidate for
the presidential nomination in 1976. His elevation made him, in
effect, the first congressional president. Contrary to the
expectations of its sponsors, the Twenty-fifth Amendment
created a presidency that considerably reduced the distance
between Capitol Hill and the White House. Ford had not been in
office very long before the amendment’s implications became
obvious. A Ford speechwriter, Robert Hartmann, later wrote that
Congress ‘will never knowingly select the strongest possible
Presidential prospect as their opposition. They will pick, at best,
someone they see as a competent caretaker until the next
election.’ Ron Nessen, Ford’s second press secretary, observed
that no other president was routinely described as ‘acting
presidential’ instead of simply being president.’ Ford never fully
recovered from that burden.”

Lewis L. Gould, from the book “American Heritage: The
Presidents” edited by Michael Beschloss

“Ford gained a lasting place in the nation’s history when he
managed successfully the transition of power after the trauma of
Richard Nixon’s tumultuous last two years in office. Ford’s
twenty-nine months as president did not produce earth-shattering
events, but his low-key moderation seemed to be just what the
United States needed. Ford lost the 1976 election to Jimmy
Carter in part because of his pardon of Richard Nixon and in part
because of his own limitations as a leader. ‘A Ford, not a
Lincoln,’ he said of himself. .

“A generation after he left the presidency, Gerald Ford had the
satisfaction of seeing the American people come around to the
view that pardoning Richard Nixon was the right thing to do.
With the fall of Saigon, he helped Americans to accept the first
military defeat in their history with a minimum of recriminations
and poison. Ford’s decency and simple virtues helped to restore
Americans’ faith, in the wake of Watergate, that their political
leaders were not all liars or crooks. Had Nixon been succeeded
by a different kind of human being, the history of the 1970s
could have been different. One reason Gerald Ford was so
underrated by his contemporaries was that he made it all look so
easy.”

Thomas J. Bray, from the book “Presidential Leadership” edited
by James Taranto and Leonard Leo

“Few presidents have ever come into office holding a weaker
hand than Gerald R. Ford. The Watergate scandal had left a
bitter residue of mistrust and anger. The demoralizing American
retreat from Vietnam hung heavy over the land. The economy
was headed into the worst downturn since the late 1950s.
Inflation stood at 12 percent .

“But Ford’s fundamental decency made him the right man to
lead the country after the trauma of Watergate. In 1977, as
President Carter delivered his inaugural address, he turned to
Ford and said to heartfelt applause: ‘For myself and my country,
I want to thank my predecessor for all he has done to heal our
land.’”

---

Stuff

--As of a week ago, 44 former cadets at West Point have been
killed in either the wars in Afghanistan or Iraq, including former
captains of the baseball, hockey and swim teams. [Juliet Macur /
New York Times]

--The New York Giants collapse continued on Sunday in what
had to be the worst display of ineptitude I’ve seen in ages.
Picture that the Giants never snapped the ball in New Orleans
territory in their 30-7 loss, the Giants only score coming on a 55-
yard pass play early in the first quarter. After starting out 6-for-6
passing, quarterback Eli Manning went 3 of 19 the rest of the
way. Geezuz, he sucks. As the New York Post’s George Willis
observed, “The Giants want us to be patient, insisting it’s only a
matter of time before he starts to play more like his big brother
Peyton. But judging from his performance yesterday, it’s hard to
believe they are from the same blood line.” In the first 40 games
of his career, Eli has a terrible quarterback rating of 73.2.

Selena Roberts of the New York Times commented on Giants
coach Tom Coughlin, who is about to be fired. “They
(ownership) hired Arthur Fiedler to conduct VH1’s ‘Divas Live.’
A mismatch from the beginning is in full bloom now. Coughlin
is a throwback coach trying to direct a team built to win today
that is assembled with self-consumed players fixated on
tomorrow.”

But after starting out 6-2 and then going 1-6, at 7-8 the Giants
are virtually assured of making the playoffs if they win next
Saturday versus Washington, with only one very complicated
formula involving Green Bay, also 7-8, in play.

--But how ‘bout my Jets?! Beat Oakland on Sunday and they’re
in one of the more remarkable coaching jobs in some time by
rookie Eric Mangini. We’re in a state of shock around here.

--And speaking of shock, what an awesome job by the Eagles
after Donovan McNabb went down. Jeff Garcia, who filled in
for him, and Dallas’ Tony Romo, the latter despite stumbling
lately, are the QB stories of the year. Who wudda thunk it back
in September?

--Then there’s Terrell Owens. “I just feel like I’m not involved
early in the game. Everybody knows that’s what I do .It’s hard
to get in the flow when you’re getting a ball here, a ball there.”
Contrast that attitude with that of the Jets. They just keep their
mouths shut and go out and perform.

--The New York Mets raised their ticket prices for 2007. Box
seats now range from $72 to $108, compared with $60 to $96 last
season. You can feed a child in Africa for a year on that.

--Mike Evans, aka Lionel Jefferson, died at the age of 57 from
throat cancer. Lionel was perfectly cast for his stints on “All in
the Family” and then the spinoff “The Jeffersons.”

--Jeff B. lives near where Brett Somers of “Match Game” fame
also resides and he told me she used to have Christmas trees with
old-fashioned candles on them. So about 10 years ago she got
loaded, lit the candles, passed out, and set her house on fire. Jeff
saw her a few weeks ago in Barnes and Noble and said she didn’t
look real good. Well she is 82, after all; though I would submit
she looked about that age when she was on “Match Game.”

--Sorry to see Miss Nevada USA get fired by Donald Trump.
Then again when pictures surfaced of her “licking other women’s
breasts and tongues, flashing her breasts and thong, and ”
Actually I better not go any further if I’m to keep my
International Web Site Association.

--For those of you who lived in the Manhattan area over the past
70 years, you undoubtedly at some point came across Jerry
Berns, a proprietor of the “21” Club. Ironically Berns died on
Dec. 21 at the age of 99.

For over 50 years he greeted some of the nation’s big movers and
shakers, including every president between FDR and Jimmy
Carter. Some regulars ate at “21” almost every day and Berns
was known to reserve the best tables for the likes of Ernest
Hemingway, Frank Sinatra or Humphrey Bogart, who proposed
to Lauren Bacall in the restaurant.

“More than once, his daughter said, Mr. Berns averted disaster
by making sure that the third party in a love triangle was seated
out of sight.” [Tim Weiner / New York Times]

--December 28, 1886, Illinois socialite Josephine Garis Cochran
patented the first commercially successful dishwasher. Wire
racks hold the dishes in a boiler while a hand-operated pump
shoots sudsy water at them. Cochran targeted hotels and her
company evolved into KitchenAid!

--Brad K. was very concerned about Flora, the pregnant Komodo
dragon living in a British zoo, who was close to delivering a
bunch of babies on Christmas Day, even though Flora had never
mated, or even mixed socially (at The Dragon Pub) with a male
Komodo. So it’s a virgin birth.

The problem, as both Brad and I see it, is that Flora’s deal, along
with another similar virgin birth at a different UK zoo, proves a
point made in the journal Nature; that being how female dragons
could swim to another island and establish a new colony on their
own. So like we could have Komodos multiplying in, say,
Florida, and then hitching rides up I-95 to the New York / New
Jersey / Connecticut tri-state area where you’d have Komodo
pods all over the place. Very unsettling.

--For the archives, a 350-pound Siberian tiger attacked and
ripped her trainer’s arm off at the San Francisco Zoo as at least
50 visitors looked on.

“The 3-year-old tiger reached through the iron bars of her
enclosure and grabbed the trainer with both front paws shortly
after a regular 2 p.m. public feeding, zoo officials said.” [AP]

--True, tragic story and yet another reason to kill all the deer.

“A deer hurled into the air after colliding with a car and killed a
driver in an oncoming lane when it crashed through his
windshield.

“Sandra Simon, 40, of Baltimore, Md., was driving her 2003
Audi A4 westbound on Route 33 in Manalapan, Monmouth
County (N.J.) when a deer wandered onto the road in front of her
car

“When she hit the deer, it was propelled across the road, police
said.

“The deer landed on an eastbound 2001 Oldsmobile Alero driven
by Nicholas Bonn, 40, of Point Pleasant Borough. Bonn died of
his injuries at the scene.” [Star-Ledger]

--The Bush administration is about to put polar bears on the
endangered species list, thereby acknowledging the impact of
global warming on rapidly declining Arctic ice fields. Said an
Interior Department official to the Washington Post, “Obviously,
the sea ice is melting because the temperatures are warmer.”
Some scientists now say Arctic temps could rise a staggering 13
degrees Fahrenheit in the next few decades, thereby wiping out
the summer sea ice the polar bears need. There are an estimated
20,000 to 25,000 worldwide, 4,700 of which live in Alaska and
spend part of the year in Canada and Russia.

Juliet Eilperin / Washington Post

“The ice in Canada’s western Hudson Bay breaks up 2 weeks
earlier than it did 30 years ago, giving polar bears there less time
to hunt and build up fat reserves that sustain them for eight
months before hunting resumes. As local polar bears have
become thinner, female polar bears’ reproductive rates and cubs’
survival rates have fallen, spurring a 21 percent population drop
from 1997 to 2004 .

“Polar bears normally swim from one patch of sea ice to another
to hunt for food, but they are not accustomed to going long
distances. In September 2004, government scientists observed
55 polar bears swimming offshore in the Alaskan Beaufort Sea,
an unprecedented spike, and four of those bears died. In a
separate study that year, federal scientists identified three
instances near the Beaufort Sea in which polar bears ate one
another.”

Not good, sports fans.

--Gerald Ford, as center on the University of Michigan football
team, helped lead the Wolverines to national championships in
1932 and 1933. But rather than accept an offer to play in the
NFL, he chose to attend Yale Law School. His #48 jersey is one
of only five numbers that have been retired in the history of
Michigan football. [Once my golf publications have a chance to
comment, I’ll have some tributes from that part of the sporting
world.]

--Minnesota Twins hurler Brad Radke retired at the age of 34 due
to serious shoulder problems. Radke pitched 12 seasons with the
Twins and was 148-139 in his solid career.

--Boy, this is a lousy story. Rutgers women’s basketball coach
Vivian Stringer was looking at a credit card statement when she
found an expenditure that wasn’t hers. She soon discovered
other unauthorized charges that were then traced to her longtime
friend and administrative assistant Dawn Buckner. Buckner was
indicted on eight counts of stealing almost $76,000 from
Stringer’s personal accounts. She faces 10 to 20 years in prison
if convicted. Buckner had been dismissed end of the 2005
school year after Rutgers learned of the alleged thefts and then
the legal process played out until the indictment was handed
down.

--The Detroit Lions’ last six seasons:

2001 2-14
2002 3-13
2003 5-11
2004 6-10
2005 5-11
2006 2-13

The only worse six-year loss total in NFL history was Tampa
Bay’s stretch between 1983 and ’88.

--According to Mintel, a research company in Britain, the
average reveler in the UK will drink the equivalent of 68 pints of
beer or 15 bottles of wine over the 12 days of Christmas. Yikes!
Drinking has become so bad in some English communities that
midnight mass has been done away with in favor of 9:00 p.m.

--So I’m heading to the Orange Bowl to see Wake Forest take on
Louisville. Our coach, Jim Grobe, was selected AP Coach of the
Year, handily beating out Rutgers’ Greg Schiano. Grobe seems a
lot like the Jets’ Eric Mangini. Low-key on the sidelines, loyal
to his players and they return the favor. “The best thing he did
this year was convincing us to believe in our program and to
believe in him and the rest of his coaches,” linebacker Aaron
Curry said. Safety Patrick Ghee added, “When he talks to us, it’s
not so much like a coach who’s demanding something from us.
It’s more like a father who loves us.”

Luckily for us fans, Grobe is staying despite being in big demand
for higher-profile positions. “I have no idea what the future
holds,” he said, “but I could not be happier than I am at Wake
Forest right now.” [ESPN.com, Sports Illustrated]

While I was at Wake in the late 1970s, Steely Dan recorded the
album “Aja” with a song on it titled “Deacon Blues.”

“They’ve got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues.”

Steely Dan’s Donald Fagen wrote the lyrics in 1977, the same
year Alabama went 11-1 while Wake was 1-10.

But I had always heard the Wake / Alabama football fortunes had
zippo to do with the song and as John Delong recently wrote in
the Winston-Salem Journal, there have been football myths and
urban legends for decades surrounding the tune. What makes it
all the more difficult is Donald Fagen refuses to definitively
state what the deal was.

One of the legends was that Steely Dan played a concert in
Winston-Salem in 1977, but that’s not true. For starters they
didn’t tour at all from 1975 to 1982. Another urban legend has
co-founder Walter Becker attending Wake Forest, but he went to
Bard College.

According to an interview in Rolling Stone, when asked about
the lyrics Fagen didn’t give a detailed explanation as to why he
chose Alabama’s and Wake Forest’s nicknames, “but it was clear
he was looking for contrasts – and was trying to complete the
song as quickly as possible,” according to Delong.

“Walter and I had been working on that song at a house in
Malibu,” Fagen told Rolling Stone. “And he said, ‘You mean,
it’s like, they call these cracker (bleeps) this grandiose name like
the Crimson Tide, and I’m this loser, so they call me this other
grandiose name, Deacon Blues?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And he
said, ‘Cool! Let’s finish it.’” [Source: Phil W.]

--Hawaii’s Colt Brennan broke the single-season record in
Division I for most TD passes in throwing five in Hawaii’s 41-24
win over Arizona State in the Hawaii Bowl on Sunday night.
Brennan ended up with 58 in 14 games, but there’s a chance the
junior may return for his senior year if he doesn’t feel he’d be
picked high enough in the NFL draft this spring. Brennan says
he enjoys school and having finished sixth in the Heisman voting
could be a legitimate candidate next year.

--John Hawkins of GolfWorld interviewed Tiger’s caddie Steve
Williams and Williams talked about the difference between the
Tiger of 2000 and that of 2006. Tiger really didn’t putt well this
year, which is pretty scary when you assume he’ll correct that in
2007. Consider 2000. Williams said Tiger once went 258 holes
without three-putting. Over 14 rounds!

--What can you say about “For Better or For Worse”? This
whole fire deal is absurd. For starters, on 12/22 Jeff B. observed
that in the first box the little kid is walking and on the bottom
step, but then in the next box he’s somehow been lifted into his
mother’s arms, with all three (including the other kid) having
moved backwards three steps. And of course you all saw what
happened in Sunday’s strip. Miraculously, Michael’s family was
preparing for Christmas even as the fire was still raging.

Also, what the heck happened to Copper Paul and his visit to see
Elizabeth? I mean as of 12/27, with only four strips to go before
year end, including New Year’s (but not including the usual
Sunday fiasco), we need to have the final confrontation between
Paul and pitiful Anthony; both fighting over the affections of Liz.

And what of Grandpa? Did he overdose while attention was
turned to Michael and Deanna’s fire? I’m betting Grandpa is
lying in an ally someplace having bought some bad heroin.

But back to the fire, what was it with the fireman philosophizing
when he should have been racing upstairs to save Michael? And
on 12/23, what was it with the final shot of Deanna and the two
kids preening for the camera? At least there is still some hope
the Kelpfroths, who started the fire, bought the farm.

--We lost a lot of sports celebrities this year. Red Auerbach, Joe
Niekro, Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, Kirby Puckett, Boom Boom
Geoffrion, Ray Meyer, Byron Nelson, Floyd Patterson, Curt
Gowdy, Bo Schembechler and Buck O’Neil to name just a few.

--And add to the list Cecil Travis, 93, a former three-time All-
Star with the Washington Senators whose career was cut short by
World War II. By the time Travis had finished the 1941 season,
Cecil was 28, had 1,370 hits in his career and a super .327
batting average. But then he enlisted in the spring of 1942,
suffered from frozen feet in 1944-45 while he was in the special
services branch, and never regained his peak form when he
returned to baseball end of the ‘45 season. He retired after 1947
with 1,544 hits and a career .314 average.

But I hate to rain on the Cecil Travis parade, in terms of him
getting into the Hall of Fame via the Veterans Committee. While
his best season was 1941, when he hit .359 and led the league in
hits with 218, the same year Ted Williams was batting .406, you
just can’t presume he’d have finished his career with over 2,500
hits and a .330 average had he not been called to duty.

And now THE 2006 BAR CHAT AWARDS!!!!!

Once again, we’d like to thank Pamela Anderson, Ben Affleck
and Maya Angelou for agreeing to host despite their busy
schedules. And a reminder on some definitions.

The difference between an idiot and a jerk, as defined by
Webster’s:

An idiot is “an ignorant person; foolish or stupid.” A jerk, on the
other hand, is “annoyingly stupid or foolish.”

To me a jerk is fully aware of what they are doing, while an idiot
lacks some of the basics. As for “dirtball,” there has to be
something malicious in the behavior.

So let’s look at some candidates.

Ben Wallace, for refusing to abide by the Chicago Bulls’
headband rule, is a jerk. Michael Vick, for giving the finger to
Falcons fans, is a dirtball.

Television analyst and former Univ. of Miami football player
Lamar Thomas is an idiot for describing a fight between Miami
and Florida International players in the following manner.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about. You come into our house,
you should get your behind kicked.”

Sara Evans’ husband is the classic example of an idiot for
leaving her, while Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is both a jerk and
a dirtball; the latter earned for his ongoing sexual harassment
case.

Davis Jones is a jerk for yanking Carolina Hurricanes jerseys off
a statue of Andrew Jackson following the Hurricanes’ Stanley
Cup triumph. He was issued a citation.

Lance Armstrong is a jerk for saying at a sports award show that
“All their players have tested positive for being assholes,”
referring to French football captain Zinedine Zidane’s head-butt
in the World Cup final. [As for Zidane, he almost was "Dirtball
of the Year."]

Or how about Olympic snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis?
Remember her? She hot-dogged it in her big event and lost the
gold. That’s an idiot.

Tiki Barber was a jerk twice in 2006. For blaming the coaches
following a desultory 23-0 loss in the playoffs to the Panthers
last January, and then doing it again this current season.

Golfer John Daly pulled one of his jerk moves at the FBR Open.
He called in sick for the Wednesday pro-am, shot 74 in
Thursday’s first round, a 40 on his front nine on Friday, and then
walked directly to his car and left without telling anyone.

Allen Heckard is an idiot. Heckard is the man who sued Michael
Jordan because Heckard claimed he was recognized everywhere
he goes as MJ. Heckard included Nike chairman Phil Knight in
the $832 million suit on grounds of 15 years of harassment, or so
he said.

The aforementioned Dawn Buckner is the classic example of a
dirtball. But Buckner’s offenses occurred prior to 2006 so she’s
ineligible.

Basketball player Steve Francis is always a jerk. While with
Orlando, he was suspended indefinitely for refusing to enter a
game when the Magic were down 103-87 with 3:22 left.

Football player Junior Seau was a jerk for announcing his
retirement after 16 years and then four days later signing with
New England.

Mel Gibson is a jerk. Enough said. [But I’ll always love
“Braveheart”!!!!!] So is Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

And now the winners.

First off Animal of the Year. You know, there weren’t many
documented cases of animals being great to humans in 2006.
But thankfully few natural disasters required the efforts of rescue
dogs. Once again, however, dogs take home the trophy (their
third, if I remember right), not just because of individual cases
like the female jogger out West who the other week fell off a
cliff and was seriously hurt. Her dog never gave up and
eventually alerted rescuers to her location.

No, more importantly I’ve seen a few stories from Iraq where
soldiers adopt a dog or two to provide some comfort back at base
after returning from their grueling, sometimes terrifying forays
into the streets of Fallujah or Baghdad.

Idiot of the Year Co-winners Floyd Landis and Ben
Roethlisberger. Landis for thinking we’d believe his pitiful story
that he didn’t use steroids in the Tour de France, even though for
one highly questionable stage of the event he pedaled faster than
any human being ever has. And to Steelers quarterback
Roethlisberger, for not only failing to wear a helmet when he
crashed his motorcycle, but for then saying afterwards that he
would do the same thing again. Now that’s an idiot.

The “Terrell Owens Jerk of the Year” Bode Miller. In fact,
friends, with his no-show performance at the Winter Olympics,
due in no small part to his incredibly poor attitude and seriously
deficient work ethic, Bode Miller also receives a “Lifetime Jerk”
trophy. [Recall the award was named after T.O. last year.]

Dirtball of the Year Who else, but once again Barry Bonds;
now a three-time winner of the Dave Bliss trophy for continuing
to desecrate the sport of baseball and the record book that any
true sports fan cherishes.

And a new one for this year “Idiot Franchise” award goes to
the Florida Marlins, who designated May 28 at Dolphins
Stadium as “Jewish Heritage Day.” The team then gave away
Mike Jacobs t-shirts; only one problem. Jacobs isn’t Jewish.
Said Jacobs, “They said it wasn’t done intentionally, but I don’t
know about that.”

Finally, we are handing a special “Lifetime Dirtball” award to
Cherie Davis, mother of speedskater Shani. Perhaps you forgot
this episode, as I reported back in this space, 3/7/06.

You know, there we were, watching Shani Davis’s anger at the
Olympics and I never saw his mother, Cherie. You knew she
was there, but boy I didn’t realize what an awful person she truly
is until reading Rick Reilly’s piece in Sports Illustrated this
week.

On how everyone blamed her for Shani’s icy demeanor, Cherie
said:

“Of course they say that. Got to blame a black person.”

On Shani’s uncomfortable to watch interview with NBC’s
Melissa Stark after winning gold, Cherie said:

“Well, why should he be all warm to her? She’s got some
painted-on smile. She doesn’t care about Shani! Why does his
first moment have to be shared with that woman?”

Rick Reilly:

“Shani did have a far warmer interview with Stark after he won
the silver medal, but by then the damage was done, and Joe
Corporate was running from the Davises like they were IRS
auditors.

“ ‘If we want to be poor, it’s none of your business!’ Cherie says.
‘We don’t care about money anyway. Between us, we have one
’89 [Ford] Escort. That’s it So Shani won’t be a hero, won’t be
on the Wheaties box. Shani is still going to be all right.’

Rick Reilly:

“Sometimes you wonder. There is footage in a Dutch
documentary of her calling Shani a loser to his face. She doesn’t
deny it: ‘He’s my son, I can call him a loser if I want. I thought
it was funny.’

“Ohhh-kay. And what about this quote she gave the St. Louis
Post-Dispatch’s Bryan Burwell: ‘If it weren’t for me, Shani
would be selling drugs on the street.’”

As for Shani himself, he was simply a jerk.

Top 3 songs for the week of 12/27/80: #1 “(Just Like) Starting
Over” (John Lennon) #2 “More Than I Can Say” (Leo Sayer)
#3 “Love On The Rocks” (Neil Diamond) and #4 “Lady”
(Kenny Rogers) #5 “Hungry Heart” (Bruce Springsteen) #9
“Hit Me With Your Best Shot” (Pat Benatar)

College Basketball Quiz Answer: Top ten in wins, Division I.

[Thru Dec. 23 last school worked at listed]

1. x-Bob Knight, Texas Tech 879
1. Dean Smith, North Carolina 879
3. Adolph Rupp, Kentucky 876
4. Jim Phelan, Mt. St. Mary’s, Md. 830
5. Eddie Sutton, Oklahoma State 798
6. Lefty Driesell, Georgia State 786
7. Lou Henson, New Mexico State 779
8. x-Lute Olson, Arizona 770
9. x-Mike Krzyzewski, Duke 764
9. Henry Iba, Oklahoma State 764

x - active

[other actives]

13. x-Jim Calhoun, UConn 743
15. x-Jim Boeheim, Syracuse 736

[other notables]

John Chaney 741
Jerry Tarkanian 729
Norm Stewart 728
Ray Meyer 724
Don Haskins 719

*Knight is going for #880 tonight, 12/28, vs. UNLV.

Next Bar Chat not posted until Jan. 4, at which time I’ll have
more on James Brown In the meantime, see you at the Orange
Bowl.

Happy New Year!!!!