09/10/2007

1,000!

NFL Quiz: 1) Aside from Brian Billick, who is the only coach in
the history of the Baltimore Ravens (1996-2006)? 2) Who are
the two all-time touchdown leaders for the Buffalo Bills with 87?
3) Who is Cincinnati’s all-time winningest coach (1968-2006)?
4) Who is Cincinnati’s all-time leader in receptions with 530? 5)
Cleveland’s all-time winningest coach is Paul Brown, 115-49-5.
Who is #2? 6) Who is Cleveland’s single season leader in
passing yards with 4,132? Answers below.

Pitiful

So much for the feel-good story of the decade the St. Louis
Cardinals’ Rick Ankiel, that is. Once, just once, it would be nice
to see one of these work out the way we want it to. But here we
were, comparing Ankiel’s return to baseball as a slugger, after a
failed career as a pitcher, as the best thing since Roy Hobbs.
Now, as Roseanne Roseannadanna would have said .never
mind!

Thru Saturday’s action, Ankiel was 30-for-90 in his first 25
games with 9 home runs and 29 RBI. But then we learned last
week that Ankiel back in 2004 had received a 12-month supply
of human growth hormone (HGH) from a Florida pharmacy that
was part of a national illegal prescription drug-distribution
operation, as first reported by the New York Daily News.

Immediately, Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty said “This is the first
I’ve heard of this. If it’s true, obviously it would be very tragic,
along with everything else we’ve had happen to us this year.”
Jocketty was referring to manager Tony La Russa’s DWI arrest
in March, followed by the drunk-driving death of reliever Josh
Hancock.

For his part, Ankiel said “All and any medications that I have
received in my career has always been under a doctor’s care, a
licensed physician.” Of course HGH isn’t for whatever was
ailing Ankiel.

Ankiel stopped receiving the shipments by the time baseball
banned HGH in 2005, but obviously no one has a clue what
anyone is doing these days, especially when it comes to HGH for
which there remains no viable test, as much as baseball would
like to eradicate it.

More names will keep surfacing, such as that of slugger, and oft-
injured Troy Glaus of Toronto and Baltimore outfielder Jay
Gibbons. All I know is that I, and many of you, I imagine, were
duped yet again. No wonder many of us keep harking back to
the likes of Ruth and Gehrig, or Gibby and Yaz.

---

Roger Federer won his 4th straight U.S. Open title and is now just
two behind Pete Sampras in career majors.

Pete Sampras 14
Roger Federer 12
Roy Emerson 12
Bjorn Borg 11
Rod Laver 11

And Roger’s good buddy (though how many ‘good buddies’ can
celebs really have?), Tiger Woods, won his 60th PGA Tour title
this weekend at Cog Hill.

Sam Snead 82
Jack Nicklaus 73
Ben Hogan 64
Arnold Palmer 62
Tiger Woods 60

Stuff

--So what did your editor do Sunday night in terms of television
viewing?

First, I tried to watch the interminable pre-game show on NBC
before the Giants-Cowboys, featuring the world’s greatest phony,
Tiki Barber. I decided to do some laundry instead, while half-
watching the first 30 minutes of the game.

Then about 8:55 ET, I tuned in the MTV Video Awards because
I just had to see Britney Spears launch her comeback. I think
Dan Aquilante of the New York Post put it best.

“Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled
like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song.”

Goodness gracious, it was horrid.

Well, at 9:04 I quickly turned on the HBO premiere of “Tell Me
You Love Me.” I mean to tell you, this is kind of erotic, to say
the least. But in all seriousness, there are some terrific story
lines and if you missed it, give it a shot.

But everything was leading to the return of “Curb Your
Enthusiasm” and Larry David didn’t disappoint. The opening bit
with the smoke detector was as good as anything I’ve seen in the
history of television comedy, including Lucy and the cakes.

Then at 10:30 I flipped the Giants back on for a few and went to
bed. And that, sports fans, was your editor’s Sunday night.

--Justine Henin won her 7th grand slam title in taking the U.S.
Open; one behind active leader Serena Williams’ 8, and one
ahead of Venus’ 6. I can’t say I followed much of the Open this
year, but I do know that at least Henin dressed like a tennis
player and not like some street walker near the Lincoln Tunnel.
Geezuz, ladies show some dignity.

Meanwhile, tennis has a real problem gambling. As S.L. Price
of Sports Illustrated noted:

“And you thought tennis’s biggest headaches were sagging TV
ratings and goofy outfits. Still reeling from suspicious betting
patterns surrounding an Aug. 2 match involving its No. 4 player,
Nikolay Davydenko, the sport has found its American showcase,
the U.S. Open, dominated by a scandal in the making. New
signs in the locker room state the USTA’s zero-tolerance policy
against betting; personnel from a hurriedly hired security firm
monitor the players lounge. American player Paul Goldstein told
USA Today that he’d been contacted by gambling interests.
Lleyton Hewitt said France’s Michael Llodra had also, and the
French newspaper L’Equipe reported that two unnamed players
admitted the same. Last week, No. 56 Janko Tipsarevic told SI
that he, too, has fended off gamblers seeking an edge, leaving the
impression of a tour under quiet and slimy siege. ‘[Gambling]
was the elephant in the room,’ said ATP president Etienne de
Villiers. ‘So the elephant has finally come out.’”

Price concludes, “Anytime you have billions being bet on human
beings, corruption is a given. Without the players’ full
commitment here, tennis doesn’t stand a chance.”

--SI’s “Sign of the Apocalypse”: “A Florida man pleaded guilty
to giving steroids to his 13-year-old son, who was training for a
roller skating competition.”

--Gotta hand it to him. He’s quite the jerk, but a helluva
ballplayer. Alex Rodriguez, that is. A-Rod is just the 4th Yankee
ever to hit 50 home runs in a season and sits at 52. He also broke
the major-league record of 48 homers by a third baseman, held
by Mike Schmidt and Adrian Beltre (steroids). A-Rod holds the
shortstop record with 57 in 2002 as well.

And with 19 games to go in the season for the Yankees, A-Rod
has 140 RBI and 132 runs scored; meaning he really isn’t that far
from Babe Ruth’s 1927 season of 60 homers, 164 RBI, and 158
runs.

A-Rod says he’s oblivious to the numbers he’s compiling. He
told the New York Post that there was no time to step back and
appreciate his accomplishments. “Not now. I’ve never done
that.” Right. He better be clean.

--Curtis Granderson, in hitting his 20th home run, Friday, and
then stealing his 20th on Sunday, became just the third player in
baseball history to have 20 doubles, 20 triples, 20 homers, and 20
stolen bases in the same season, joining Frank Schulte (1911)
and Willie Mays (1957); simply an amazing feat. The Phils’
Jimmy Rollins needs 3 more triples to equal the 4X20 club, too,
but that could be difficult.

--The Angels’ Garret Anderson had his consecutive game RBI
streak end at 12, but I didn’t know the record for driving in a run
is 17 straight games by Ray Grimes of the 1922 Cubs. Grimes
that year hit .354 with 99 RBI.

--Not for nothing, but the Mets have the best road record in
baseball, 43-31.

--So in Lakeland, Fla., there was this guy, Bill Henry, who died
the other day at the age of 83. His death wouldn’t warrant
inclusion, here, however, were it not for the fact that Bill Henry
passed himself off as former major league hurler Bill Henry, who
is alive and well at the age of 79 in Texas.

The real Bill Henry was mostly a reliever for 16 years, from
1952-69 (he was in the minors two seasons in between), yet the
Lakeland man spun believable tales all this time, detailing his
career so when a few grew suspicious, he had the facts to back it
up. Bill Henry, back in Texas, learned he had died in an AP
bulletin.

The Lakeland man’s family isn’t sure when the deception began.
The fake Henry’s third wife said she never had reason to doubt
him when the stories came up.

--A rare Honus Wagner T206 card from 1909 sold at auction for
a record $2.8 million. It was purchased by an unnamed collector.
Less than 100 of this card are said to be in existence but few
are in as good a shape as this one supposedly is.

But if you want to read a good little book on the genesis of the
T206 and the shady card business in general, pick up “The Card”
by Michael O’Keefe and Teri Thompson. It’s a fun read.

--Jamaica’s Asafa Powell lowered his 100-meters world record
to 9.74. But he has never won a major competition. In other
words, unlike the great Michael Johnson, Powell is a major
choke artist.

--College football tidbits:

AP Top Ten

1. USC
2. LSU
3. Oklahoma
4. West Virginia
5. Florida
6. Texas
7. Wisconsin
8. California
9. Louisville
10. Ohio State
13. Rutgers
21. Boston College
117. Buffalo
118. Michigan
119. Temple

Great to see Penn State whip Notre Dame, 31-10. With the
Nittany Lions’ schedule, Penn State is a serious national title
contender. Notre Dame, as alum Mark R. notes, may win 2
games.

Last year, Wake starting QB Ben Mauk, a junior, was injured in
the first game, lost his job to Riley Skinner who then led the
Deacs to the Orange Bowl, graduated, but had a year of
eligibility left. Wake’s coaches made it known to Mauk that
Skinner was the starter for the 2007 season so Mauk left. I had
no idea, though, that NCAA rules allow a player who’s
graduated but with eligibility remaining to immediately transfer
to another school and play without sitting out a year, and now
Mauk is Cincinnati’s starting QB and has performed well in the
team’s two wins. Interesting story. As for this year’s edition of
the Deacs, Skinner got hurt in the first game and his backup
didn’t get the job done against Nebraska. Congratulations Ken
S. in Omaha, by the way. I guess I owe you dinner next time I’m
out there.

Does Michigan blow or what?! First they lose to App State.
Then on Saturday they were blown out at home by Oregon, 39-7.
I’d say Coach Lloyd Carr may want to check out the Dept. of
Labor’s web site to see if he is eligible for some kind of new job-
training program.

After just the first two weeks of the college football season, it’s
pretty apparent the SEC and Pac-10 are head and shoulders
above the competition. [I’m not sold on the Big East yet.] The
ACC is awful, leaving the door open to Boston College to run the
table.

With Boise State’s loss, Hawaii and gun-slinging QB Colt
Brennan could be the Cinderella story for this year if we are to
have one. Brennan threw for 548 yards in Hawaii’s 45-44
overtime win over Louisiana Tech.

--NFL tidbits:

Mark R., referring to the opening Indianapolis / New Orleans
game last Thursday, said the Saints offense was as clueless as
Ray Nagin. Good point, Mark. Home version of “Bar Chat: The
Game” being sent to you via parcel post.

Tiki Barber’s fellow on-air NFL alums blasted his comments the
other day in criticizing his last coach, Tom Coughlin. Phil
Simms says he has some things he’d like to say about former
coach Bill Parcells, but “respect for the game” means he never
will. Troy Aikman, noting Barber’s questioning of quarterback
Eli Manning’s leadership, said “Now I understand why that team
underachieved.” Rodney Peete said, “To go at somebody’s
character after you’re done playing is cowardly.”

However, to be fair, and as USA Today’s Michael Hiestand
noted, Terry Bradshaw, in 2004, called Coughlin “hateful,”
“mean” and a “jerk” while CBS’ Shannon Sharpe claimed he’d
“rather die in an abandoned building alone, and my family not
know what happened, than play for him.”

Jeff B. passed along a bit on the Jets’ prospects from Bill
Simmons of ESPN.com.

“We found out last spring that Larry David was a die-hard Jets
fan who even calls Eric Mangini and the front office to talk shop
from time to time. Could you have picked a better NFL team for
him? They haven’t won a Super Bowl in nearly 40 years; their
greatest receiver couldn’t see out of one eye; their most famous
player tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on national TV; they
lost a head coach who quickly signed with their arch-rival and
won three Super Bowls; their most beloved defensive player had
his career ended by a chop block from that same arch-rival, then
watched his son get drafted by that same arch-rival and win a
Super Bowl with them; they were victimized by the only fake
spike that actually worked in NFL history; and now, their most
famous fan is the guy who created a classic TV comedy about a
self-loathing, sarcastic guy who hates interacting with anyone
and assumes the worst at all times. That’s right, J E T S
JETS JETS JETS!!!”

[Jets fans, once again proving they are the absolute worst in the
country, cheered as starting quarterback Chad Pennington
writhed on the ground with an ankle injury.]

--Actor Russell Crowe, in Sports Illustrated.

SI: You can be one athlete for a day. Who?

Crowe: Jesse Owens running the 100 meters in Berlin in 1936.
It’s an extremely significant moment, a drawing of a line in the
sand in terms of the racial idiocy that Adolf Hitler was
promoting. The one thing that I would do differently is when
Hitler was getting up to leave the stadium, I think I would have
pursued him.

--Racer Dario Franchitti is jumping to NASCAR next year,
joining former fellow IndyCar driver Juan Pablo Montoya. Of
course while some of you don’t know who he is, you know his
wife, Ashley Judd. And so we welcome Ashley to the sport of
pulled pork barbecue sandwiches and beer!

--Uh oh there is a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens out there
and the star of Disney’s High School Musical franchise is in a
little trouble.

--Did you see this new print ad for Scottsdale, AZ?

It has a picture of two male golfers on a tee box, with two
gorgeous women (non-golfers) standing alongside.

“David Snyder & William Bennett Dayton, OH Looking for
birdies by day and chicks by night.”

Geezuz. You think Mrs. Snyder and Mrs. Bennett know about
this?

--Chimps vs. Humans

From Mark Henderson of the London Times:

“An experiment comparing the abilities of adult chimps and
orangutans with the skills of 2 -year-old children has found that
all three were equally good at tasks of physical and spatial
intelligence, such as tracking pieces of food that had been moved
or determining which of two piles of food was bigger. When
tests involved communication and social understanding,
however, the toddlers came out well ahead.

“When a human adult demonstrated how to retrieve food from a
transparent tube by popping it open, for example, the children
were almost always able to copy the action immediately and
accurately and get the reward. Both ape species, by contrast,
failed to understand what the experimenter had done, and instead
tried to bite or tear apart the tube to get at the food.

“The children were also better at following an adult’s gaze, and
at pointing towards a cup hiding a reward.”

What the scientists didn’t know, however, but what Bar Chat’s
lone microphone picked up, was a conversation between the
chimps and orangutans. “This is bulls---. Just humor them.”

--As Jeff B. put it, it’s very clear at this point that chimps have
totally taken over the creative direction of “For Worse ”

--From the AP:

“A rabid black bear trying to rip out a window air conditioner
lost its tug-of-war with a terrified housewife when her husband
blasted the beast with a shotgun, the woman and a state wildlife
official said today.

“The bear rushed the house after Charlotte Stanton yelled out her
screen door to try to scare it away from a goat pen. Stanton, 39,
of rural Grantsville in Garrett County, said she was losing her
tussle with the 134-pound sow when Michael Stanton pulled the
trigger.”

The bear later died of its wounds. Brad K. notes that had the
attack continued, the military was prepared to go nuclear, though
I haven’t been able to confirm this.

-- “Single again will I still be eligible with all this gray?”

---

Bar Chat 1,000 a year long celebration commences

So just why did your editor start Bar Chat? Well, I was setting
up a web site for “Week in Review” when I thought, hey, I’ll
throw this into the mix. Initially it was three days a week, but
much shorter.

Of course aside from sports and music, Bar Chat has been about
the Animal Kingdom and its ongoing effort to obliterate the
human race .such as this hard-hitting bit from five years ago.

“I don’t have a lot of details, but I saw a brief news item on
television that rampaging elephants have killed at least 22
villagers in India over the past few days. This is obviously
revenge for the mistreatment of circus animals, and, as you
know, word gets around in the animal kingdom. Carrier pigeons
and crows do the messenger work, by the way, along with some
employees at Federal Express. We wish the elephants well.”

Granted, the early editions of this column were truly pitiful, as
are the current ones, but before I get all misty-eyed, there are a
few people I’d like to thank for being an inspiration and constant
source of support.

Todie Fields, Senor Wences, Jonathan Winters, Frankie Valli,
Brian Wilson, Dave Clark, the Ozark Mountain Daredevils,
Dolly Parton, Jenna Jameson, Sophia Loren, Peggy Fleming,
Ronald Reagan, George Washington, Winston Churchill, Wilt
Chamberlain, Gale Sayers, Jim Brown, Joe Namath, Emerson
Boozer, Homer Jones, Jean Ratelle, Rod Gilbert and Vic
Hadfield (“The GAG Line”), Eddie Giacomin, Yvan Cournoyer,
Jean Beliveau, Muhammad Ali, Oscar Bonavena, Earnie
Shavers, Smokin’ Joe Frazier, George Foreman, Dan Gurney,
Mark Donohue, Fireball Roberts, Richard Petty, Jimmy Clark,
Graham Hill, Pavarotti, Casey Stengel, Ralph Kiner, Mickey
Mantle, Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Bill Mazeroski, Vernon
Law, Bob Veale, Bob Friend, Tom Seaver, Jerry Koosman, Gary
Gentry, Cleon Jones, Ed Charles, Eddie Bressoud, Ron Hunt,
Vaclav Havel, Alexander Dubcek, Mark Messier, Nate
Thurmond, Gail Goodrich, Leif Erickson, Columbus, John
Wayne, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Ron Santo, Vada Pinson,
David Arthur Kingman, Bob Feller, Babe Ruth, Curt Flood,
Jackie Robinson, David Robinson, Marlin Perkins, Jim Fowler,
Jim Cantore, Bob Hayes, Buck Buchanan, Ben Davidson, Kenny
Stabler, Darryl Lamonica, Freddie Biletnikoff, Ty Cobb, Jim
Maloney, Bob Gibson, Pedro Martinez, Tim McCarver, Marv
Albert, Huntley / Brinkley, Eric Sevareid, Jill St. John, Senta
Berger, Raquel Welch, the St. Pauli girl, Rod Griffin, Tim
Duncan, Arnold Palmer, Riley Skinner, Jim Grobe, Curtis
Strange, Jay Haas, Scott Hoch, Lanny Wadkins, Seamus (best
man I ever met in Ireland), Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, John
Stallworth, Jack Lambert, Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon,
Robert Bork, Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, Dwight
Eisenhower, Shakira, Emeril, Willie Wilson, marauding
elephants, ravenous sharks, Godzilla, Ward and June Cleaver,
Beaver, Wally, Eddie Haskell, Homer Simpson, Apu, Johnny
Carson, Bob Hope, Bob Barker, Charles Schulz, Deputy Dawg,
Calvin & Hobbes, Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, Carl Sagan, Steve
McQueen, John Belushi, Archie Bunker, Lionel, the gang at
“Cheers,” Jerry Seinfeld, Tony Soprano, the Russian, Vincent
Chase, Larry David, Ed Sullivan, John, Paul, George and Ringo,
Milton Berle, Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Petula Clark, Willis
Reed, Dave DeBuscherre, Hawthorne Wingo, Walt “Clyde”
Frazier, Keith Hernandez, Pete Coors, Julie Andrews, Liesl von
Trapp, Michael Johnson, Nat King Cole, Paul Newman, Marvin
Gaye, Professors Steintragger, McDowell and Reinhardt (for
putting up with me at Wake Forest all advisors of mine RIP),
my parents (who are oh so proud of their son and this column),
the Zombies, Earth Wind & Fire, Ataturk, the cabdriver in
Istanbul who pulled over to buy me an Efes, Johnny Cash,
Waylon Jennings, Margaret Thatcher, Paul Lynde and
Tommie Agee.

Also, at the risk of leaving out some important people, special
thanks to Harry K., Johnny Mac, cartoon editor Jeff B., Mark R.,
sharkhunters Bob S. and Dan L., Charles K., Ken S., Phil W., Stu
Baby, Brad K., Trader George, Shu, my brother (Harry Editor),
and all the other contributors and saints for helping me with
material.

Finally, our sympathies to all families who lost loved ones to
elephants, bears, snakes, sharks, lions and tigers over the past
8+ years.

Now everyone over to my place for premium lager!

Top 3 songs for the week 9/12/64: #1 “The House Of The Rising
Sun” (The Animals) #2 “Where Did Our Love Go” (The
Supremes) #3 “Because” (The Dave Clark Five) and #4
“Everybody Loves Somebody” (Dean Martin) #5 “Bread And
Butter” (The Newbeats) #6 “C’mon And Swim” (Bobby
Freeman) #7 “G.T.O.” (Ronny & The Daytonas) #8 “A Hard
Day’s Night” (The Beatles) #9 “Remember (Walkin’ in the
Sand)” (The Shangri-Las nice sweaters ) #10 “Dancing In
The Street” (Martha & The Vandellas)

NFL Quiz Answers: 1) Ted Marchibroda was the Ravens’ first
coach. 2) Andre Reed and Thurman Thomas are the Bills’ all-
time TD leaders with 87. 30 Sam Wyche is Cincinnati’s
winningest coach, 64-68-0. 4) Carl Pickens is the Bengals’ all-
time leader in receptions with 530. 5) Blanton Collier is the
second winningest coach in Browns history, 79-38-2 (1963-70).
6) Brian Sipe is the Browns single season leader with 4,132
yards passing, 1980. That same season he also set the mark for
TD passes, 30.

Next Bar Chat, Thursday .over the next 12 months I’ll begin
pulling the “Best of Bar Chat” from our rather voluminous
archives.

The Editor

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IWSA / 2007