02/28/2008

A Comic's Start

Note: I will have a few bits on the deaths of both William F.
Buckley and broadcaster Myron Cope on Monday.

NBA Quiz: Continuing with our series, where did the following
go to school? Dale Ellis, Dr. J., Michael Finley, World B. Free,
A.C. Green, Hal Greer, Happy Hairston, and Hersey Hawkins.
Answers below.

Seinfeld’s First Gig

Continuing with our look at Richard Zoglin’s new book
“Comedy at the Edge: How stand-up in the 1970s changed
America,” today it’s Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry was born in Brooklyn on April 29, 1954, and had a middle-
class upbringing in the suburb of Massapequa. Jerry’s father
owned a commercial sign business.

Seinfeld was a shy kid and too small to play sports, so he spent
his time studying comedians on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” as well
as listening to Bill Cosby records and entertaining friends with
bits from “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.” As Richard Zoglin
writes, “From the age of seven he wanted to be a stand-up
comedian.”

Seinfeld was a theater and communications major at, first, SUNY
Oswego, and then Queens College, which he transferred to in
order to be closer to the action in the City.

Shortly after graduating he went to open-mike night at Catch a
Rising Star. Zoglin writes, “Nervous, he froze up onstage,
jumping from one joke to the next by simply announcing the
subject: ‘The beach.’ ‘Driving.’ ‘Shopping.’ When he was
done, emcee Elayne Boosler cracked, ‘That was Jerry Seinfeld,
the king of segues.’”

Seinfeld recalled, “A friend made me drink a glass of Scotch
before the show, because that’s what Bogie would do. I couldn’t
drink, but I’m forcing the Scotch down at the bar next door. It
was pretty much a disaster. I was completely unprepared for
how difficult it really is when you first go on. I hadn’t really
memorized it. I thought I could just get up there. I could always
make my friends laugh, and I thought maybe it won’t be that
difficult a transition.”

So duly chastened, Seinfeld worked on new material, memorized
it, and began appearing at a less-intimidating place called the
Golden Lion Pub. This was a restaurant, really, and they’d
remove one table for the stage. Jerry got his first big laugh with
a bit on being left-handed.

“Why are ‘left’ words always negative? Two left feet. Left-
handed compliment. On TV, ever see a crook named Righty?
You go to a party, there’s nobody there, where’d everybody go?
‘They left.’” Zoglin writes, Jackie Mason came in one night and
told Seinfeld, “You’re gonna be so big it makes me sick.”

With an increase in self-esteem as a result of his Golden Lion
gigs, he headed back to Catch a Rising Star and a new venue for
him, the Comic Strip.

Jerry had been living at home and commuting from Massapequa,
but when he turned 23 he took a studio apartment on West
Eighty-first Street and the daily routine had him spending the day
with his friend Larry Miller, with the two hanging out at the
Comic Strip all day, basically. They’d eat burgers there, often
for both meals, though Jerry also held some part-time jobs,
including waiting tables at a Brew Burger. But then the Comic
Strip offered him a job emceeing two nights a week for $65,
allowing him to focus solely on his craft.

“I had my lunch. I had my dinner. I had (free) T-shirts. Then all
I had to pay for was my jeans. Rent is $200 a month. I’m
making $65 a week, so that left me $15 a week to play with. I
was on my way. I’m golden.”

Larry Miller, who was also a comedian, talks of Jerry’s
diligence. “He would write every day. I only started doing that
about three years in.” Fellow comic Paul Reiser notes, “His life
was always very efficient and clean and uncluttered. He used to
have a wallet that had one credit card and however many crisp
bills he needed. And one piece of paper of one-word ideas he
wrote down that day. Larry used to keep his act on cocktail
napkins and matchbooks, in a drawer. And Jerry always had the
same-sized yellow legal pad, the Bic pen. He was just
methodical.”

After becoming one of the most widely known stand-ups in New
York, Jerry headed to Los Angeles in 1980, though as noted in
an earlier piece in this series he waited until May 1981 to appear
on “The Tonight Show.” Richard Zoglin:

“Johnny didn’t call him over to the desk or come over to shake
his hand but the little OK sign Carson flashed was validation
enough that Seinfeld’s hard work, patience, and PG-rated self-
discipline had paid off. It was the most important night of his
career.”

Jerry became one of the most successful touring acts in comedy,
making up to 300 appearances a year and loving that he was
writer, director, choreographer and star of his own show. When
he finally got the sitcom, it too was on his own terms. He
teamed up with Larry David, who Seinfeld had gotten to know
through the club scene in New York, though it’s kind of funny
that the two weren’t particularly close. Well, you know the rest.
Both Jerry and Larry did pretty well for themselves.

SHARK!!!!!

Regional shark hunter Bob S. and I were commenting that it’s
about time we had a good shark attack to report on, not that
we’re hoping for wanton death and destruction every day.

And, of course, our sympathies to the friends and family of the
Austrian scuba diver who met his end on Sunday in the
Bahamas. From Reuters:

“The U.S. Coast Guard said it sent a rescue helicopter to pick up
the man on Sunday after receiving a mayday call from the
Florida-based charter dive boat Shear Water, saying that a man
had suffered a shark bite wound.

“The victim was flown from the scene, about eight kilometers
north of Great Isaac Cay in the Bahamas (due east of Ft.
Lauderdale), to a hospital in Miami, where he was pronounced
dead.” The coroner later ruled the cause of death was
exsanguinations, or blood loss, due to shark attack, according to
the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

Well, what we learned since is that this was a shark diving trip
and the operator was feeding the sharks.

“The Shear Water is owned by Jim Abernethy’s (no relation to
the late Southern Christian Leadership Conference leader Ralph
Abernathy) Scuba Adventures of Riviera Beach, which operates
scuba diving trips in which the crew puts food in the water to
bring divers into close contact with hammerhead, tiger and other
shark species.

“On its website, the company says shark diving is a ‘potentially
dangerous sport.’

“ ‘To insure the best results we will be ‘chumming’ the water
with fish and fish parts. Consequently, there will be food in the
water at the same time as the divers.’”

Jim Abernethy told the Sun-Sentinel he had never had an
accident in 25 years of operations, but he hung up before he
could be asked what really happened on Sunday.

On his Web site, though, Abernethy had an account of a shark
expedition at the beginning of the month. “The Hammerheads
arrived within minutes every day. The water was clear and the
sharks were plentiful.”

Meanwhile, the director of the International Shark Attack File,
George Burgess, who I’ve spelled out in the past is a total fraud,
told the Sun-Sentinel the attack “would be the first fatality
involving shark feeding, if it turns out that practice was taking
place around the time of the attack.” I’m guessing the death toll
is closer to 695.

Burgess adds he is against shark feeding because it trains sharks
to expect food from people and not to fear them. Personally, I
think Mr. Burgess is giving sharks a little more credit than they
deserve in terms of brainpower. We aren’t talking Flipper, sports
fans.

Stuff

--The New York Daily News reports that Congress has received
new information concerning the 1998 party at Jose Canseco’s
that Roger Clemens claimed he didn’t attend, a key point in the
congressional inquiry into allegations of steroids abuse. And just
now, Congress has opted to refer the case to the Justice Dept.

“The Daily News has learned that in the days since the Feb. 13
public hearing on steroids in baseball, another major leaguer has
informed congressional investigators that Clemens often joked in
the clubhouse about a memorable account of the party – a scene
in which Debbie Clemens and Canseco’s ex-wife Jessica
compared the results of their surgical breast enhancements.”

[In a survey by USA Today, 57% of fans believe Roger Clemens
lied to Congress. Additionally, while 66% now believe Pete
Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, just 62% now say Clemens
is deserving.]

--Since the Super Bowl, quarterback Eli Manning has treated
himself to some well-deserved time off but on Monday the local
NBC affiliate had him on and it was the first I’ve seen him since
that day. Looking at the guy, I just found the transformation
startling, as in the difference between Eli at, say, mid-season and
now is like night and day. He oozes confidence and I couldn’t
help but be impressed. Giants fans need not worry about the
future, at least in terms of the quarterback position. Eli is going
to be a Pro Bowl fixture.

--Thoughts on Tiger Mike Lopresti / USA Today:

“This is a defining moment for any sport, where it can be
determined just how great its greatest can be. Golf – a game
supposedly with too many variables, too many opponents and too
much sudden danger for one man to own – could face a truly
classic summer.

“The newest quote of reference to enter the Woods lexicon
comes from the man he buried in the final match Sunday. ‘I
think we ought to slice him open and see what’s inside,’ Stewart
Cink said in his news conference. ‘Maybe nuts and bolts.’”

Michael Wilbon / Washington Post

“We’re about at the point with Tiger Woods when it’s pointless
to limit the conversation about his competitive brilliance to the
game of golf. With only Jack Nicklaus in that discussion we
have to search for a larger context to put Woods’ still ascending
career into proper perspective. Winning the Match Play
Championship over the weekend was another emphatic reminder
that we’re about at the point where Tiger’s peers aren’t Phil
Mickelson and Ernie Els as much as they are Michael Jordan, Joe
Louis and Babe Ruth .

“Woods, certainly not given to the egomaniacal self-
congratulation of so many of this generation’s team sports
athletes, nonetheless said of this latest run of success, ‘I think
this certainly is the best stretch I’ve ever played.’

“It’s a staggering thing to hear from a man who already has won
13 major championships, yet just turned 32 years old. He is just
now entering the physical prime of a career that could easily last
another 10 years. Mickelson, the game’s second-best player,
didn’t win his first major until he was 33 .

“In the meantime, while we watch and savor, it would be a waste
of time to confine the comparisons to golf .

“Can he have a summer that forces legitimate comparisons to Joe
DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak in 1941? Edwin Moses won
so many hurdles finals, 122 in a row over 10 years, it led some
hurdlers to simply quit. The Russian wrestler Alexander Karelin
went undefeated from 1987 to 2000, taking three Olympic gold
medals, and nine world championships in the process. In a 10-
year stretch, Karelin didn’t give up a single point. Opponents
would let themselves be pinned for fear Karelin might literally
break their necks .

“Roger Federer’s recent stretch of dominance, impressive by any
historical standard for tennis, doesn’t come close to Tiger’s.
Winning a tennis tournament requires beating six opponents, not
the field. Tiger doesn’t ever have the luxury of having another
opponent take out, say, Mickelson and Sergio Garcia. It’s up to
Tiger alone. And while Jimmie Johnson’s back-to-back
NASCAR championship are no doubt impressive, there’s no
drafting in golf as there is in stock car racing, no teamwork that
could result in the kind of ‘Push From Heaven’ that determined
the outcome of the Daytona 500.

“Golf, as different as it is from boxing, is entirely self-reliant.
Michael Jordan, great as he was, still had Scottie Pippen. Jordan
hit plenty of game-winning shots but there were times when he
passed to teammates, notably John Paxson and Steve Kerr, to
win games with final shots. Tiger doesn’t get to toss the putter to
an open teammate on the 18th green at Augusta National.

“If anybody stands up to comparison with Tiger it’s probably the
greatest of the great prize fighters.” [Marciano, Sugar Ray
Robinson, Joe Louis, Muhammad Ali.] “(But) golf is the game in
which you have to beat every single competitor, at the same time,
all by yourself. And it’s not just the best in the United States
playing the big tournaments, it’s the best in the world .

“When somebody asked Woods on Sunday afternoon if it’s
possible he can keep winning every time he competes, he said:
‘That’s my intent. That’s why you play. If you don’t believe
you can win an event, don’t show up.’

“It’s not what Tiger’s competitors want to hear, but it’s exactly
what could make watching Tiger between now and the end of
August a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”

--Last year the Detroit Tigers set an all-time attendance record at
3.047 million. But because of the trade that brought stars Miguel
Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the club, the Tigers sold another
8,500 new full-season tickets. Or, all else being equal, an
additional 690,000. That’s truly awesome. And as Jayson Stark
of ESPN.com wrote, we’re talking Detroit, “a community where
the economy is plummeting toward rock bottom.”

Yup, I’m hopping on the bandwagon. Not abandoning my Mets,
mind you, but predicting a Tigers-Mets World Series, with
Detroit coming out on top. It would be absolutely great for
baseball and especially for Michigan if the Tigers went wild this
year. Here’s hoping they do.

--Ken S., from out Omaha way, and I have been exchanging
notes on the future of Nebraska football and Ken tells me the
fans (and program) appear to be reenergized by new coach Bo
Pelini. 1,200 showed up at a lunch the other day, for crying out
loud. And Ken said they will probably sell out the spring game
in April. That’s 80,000 tickets .for a spring game. They sold
25,000 the first day they went on sale!

--I love infomercial king Billy Mays, but why would I want two
Samurai Sharks?!

--I didn’t know this about 1,400 insect species are eaten in
almost 90 countries in Africa, Latin America and Asia. An AP
story gives a few examples.

Thais eat more than 150 insects, including crickets, silkworms
and dung beetles. Well I knew people ate crickets, but I didn’t
know canned crickets were sold in supermarkets in Bangkok.

In southern Africa, the mopane worm has become a
multimillion-dollar business, whatever a mopane worm is.

But then you have the Pemon Indians of Venezuela, who eat fire
ants during the rainy season. Goodness gracious. That’s freakin’
nuts.

And get this one “Big-butt queen ants in Colombia are
considered an aphrodisiac and a protein-rich defense against
cancer.” Guess you could call them Arethas, though I’m
assuming her people would object.

--Holy Toledo! Remember how I wrote of pythons and the
emerging threat in the United States? In Australia, “A 16-foot
python stalked a family dog for days before swallowing the pet
whole in front of horrified children in the Australian tropics.”
Then again, it was a Chihuahua.

As reported in the AP, “Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian
Venom Zoo in Kuranda, said scrub pythons typically eat wild
animals such as wallabies.”

Douglas was the one called when the python was discovered
devouring the dog, but by the time he arrived, “all that could be
seen of the dog was its hind legs and tail.”

But get this. Douglas transferred the python to the zoo, while it
was still devouring the dog. He couldn’t try and wrench the dead
dog out because the dog’s teeth and claws could have killed the
snake. The python will be relocated to the bush later after
enjoying its meal .and that’s a memo ..

--We extend our best wishes to the 10-year-old boy who had his
arm ripped off by a caged lion in China. From the Sydney
Morning Herald:

“A circus lion in China bit off the arm of a 10-year-old after
lunging through the bars of its cage and grabbing the child, state
press said. The boy was watching the lion when it suddenly
grabbed him with its paws.

“When staff pulled the boy away, his arm had been ripped off by
the animal, it added. The boy is now in hospital.

“The tragedy occurred at a park where a traveling circus was
performing in eastern Anhui province. Local police said the bars
on the cage were too far apart, blaming the circus for the
mishap.”

I’m assuming, this being China and all, that the owners of the
circus were executed and that the lion was told to stay away from
humans until after the Olympics.

--Uh oh the South African government said it needs to cull the
elephants to control an exploding population .8,000 to 18,000
since 1995, when the government first banned the culls.

Needless to say, the elephants aren’t real happy about this, and
the government acknowledges this won’t go over well with more
than a few humans either. From the BBC:

“People living close to elephants have complained that elephants
are dangerous, eat crops and compete with people for water.

“But the campaign group Animal Rights Africa says elephants
have highly developed cognitive abilities, and a high degree of
self-awareness.

“ ‘How much like us do elephants have to be before killing them
becomes murder?’ it asked in a statement.”

In all seriousness, studies have shown younger elephants have
long memories when they see their mothers slaughtered, as is the
case in parts of Africa, and they go on rampages of their own in
response.

--Speaking of culls members of parliament in Britain have
called for a cull of badgers in order to help prevent the spread of
TB in cattle. The badgers aren’t going to take this lying down, as
we say in badger land.

--Here’s something interesting from the March issue of
Smithsonian.

“When times are tough, male chimpanzees go home, according
to a study of more than 30 years’ worth of records from
Tanzania’s Gombe National Park. Males abandon social groups
when food is scarce and return to territories where they were
reared by their mothers. Why? The researchers speculate the
chimps know best where to forage on their old stamping
grounds.”

So when you see a chimp hitchhiking, this could be a
conversation starter if you choose to pick one up. “Heading
home?”

--March 2 represents the 75th anniversary of the premiere of
“King Kong” in 1933. The film grossed $90,000 its opening
weekend – a new record.

--Golf World reports that there was an investigation into the
amateur winner of the recent pro-am at Pebble Beach, Bill
Walters, a known Las Vegas gambler and hustler who claims he
once won $550,000 by shooting 74 on the heels of a series of
90s.

Walters was teamed with Fredrik Jacobson and the two recorded
a record 10-stroke victory in the competition, 38-under. Walters
claims he is an 11 handicap and recorded 20 scores between May
13 and Aug. 11, none lower than 85, and none higher than 94.
Walters also said he hadn’t picked up a club after August until
Pebble Beach.

But the former handicapping chairman at a club Walters once
belonged to told Golf World “He was a notorious sandbagger,
who really was a 2 or 3.”

Folks at Pebble did examine the scorecards and opted not to do
anything.

--I was shocked .SHOCKED .to learn that Valerie Bertinelli
said her marriage to Eddie Van Halen was hurt by infidelity and
drug use – by her. “I wasn’t an angel, either. I cheated, too,”
Bertinelli told Oprah on Monday’s broadcast. “He claims to this
day that I cheated first, but I don’t know. I don’t know about the
timing.”

I’m very disappointed in you, Valerie.

--Jeff B. and I are giving “For Better or For Worse” one final shot.
As Michael and Deanna go through the crawl space, it’s up to Lynn
Johnston to finally come clean as in we all know this is where
Dr. Patterson has been stashing the cocaine. Follow the residue.

Top 3 songs for the week 2/28/76: #1 “Theme From S.W.A.T.”
(Rhythm Heritage ughhh .we were idiots back then) #2 “50
Ways To Leave Your Lover” (Paul Simon) #3 “Love Machine
(Part 1)” (The Miracles and I don’t work for nobody but
you ) and #4 “All By Myself” (Eric Carmen) #5
“December, 1963 (Oh, What A Night)” (The Four Seasons) #6
“You Sexy Thing” (Hot Chocolate) #7 “Take It To The Limit”
(Eagles) #8 “Dream Weaver” (Gary Wright) #9 “Lonely Night
(Angel Face)” (Captain & Tennille) #10 “Love Hurts”
(Nazareth)

NBA Quiz Answers: Dale Ellis (Tennessee), Dr. J. (UMass),
Michael Finley (Wisconsin), World B. Free (Guilford), A.C.
Green (Oregon State), Hal Greer (Marshall), Happy Hairston
(NYU), Hersey Hawkins (Bradley) .If you got World B. Free,
Hal Greer and Happy Hairston, pour yourself a frosty mug of
premium!

Next Bar Chat, Monday.